My Rollercoaster Day

So hmmm, where to begin. Ok, first off I am so unbelievably stoked, do people still use stoked…anyway I am stoked that I have had 3 writings of mine featured in paper.li online newspaper. Jan.10th a nice story I wrote on one of my peeps.Life and Times of Corey Drumz: What Made me There is the link of the story that was featured. It is very interesting stuff so if you are reading this you should read that. I am actually very proud of that story because I worked hard to not only research but, also to make it come out so professional.


Yesterday I was featured for a poem I wrote which is actually in my other blog as well Love at First Sight
Definitely a poem very touching to me in many ways. One, because I have a hard time with free verse. Two, because it went off on it’s merry little way and I was unable to stop it from coming out. Three, when I read it and I do often I can’t help but, to think that I am an awesome very articulate person. Every single word I use in it is ok I can’t even explain it for if I do I would surely be giving far too much insight to how my heart, mind, and soul work. I am not ready for all that yet. Baby steps!!!


Yesterday evening I was featured in another for yet another story I wrote on my peep. Breaking News: Corey Drumz Dissloves Recording and Distribution deal with Famous Records/Universal Also a very very interesting read. And I am not saying it because I wrote it but, because stories like these I have written intrigue me, I can only assume that others will enjoy them too.


So all in all my day was good. Infact the 2 days prior to last night were great. I was wearing a huge smile all day. I was on cloud 9, never really been there before, it’s simply breath taking, I don’t know why I left. Before I knew it I was on the Merry-Go-Round of Misery and just like that in the dark Abyss of Agony. I put myself there. I ALWAYS put myself there!! I did as I always do took a happy and successful moment and completely destroyed it until it had no specialness left to it. I convinced myself that I was angry for one reason and the longer I conversed it over with someone, more came out as to why I was truly angry. I can say without a second thought that I have NEVER had the kind of conversation like I did yesterday. Which brought me to a very well needed, appreciated but, extremely devastating, ugly truth.


You see, I am a self saboteur. I can dance all over and around it with anyone,including me because I have just finally figured out that this is what I am. I had no idea that the one keeping me from everything I want or need, was me. I mean isn’t that some sort of thing attention seekers do and as far as I knew I wasn’t one of those. Boy, was I wrong. Turns out not only do I think I don’t deserve happiness, success, or to be me before all else, etc… but, I also will do anything to make sure that I am in people’s heads, dreams, or thoughts. I, in my own little way, made sure I was always the center of attention. And if people didn’t give in and give me what I wanted from them, which happened way more than I even want to admit to, I would get in their head and mess with them until they didn’t know which way was up anymore. I fed off their misery that I inflicted. That was my addiction, everything else I did was just a cover for that. So I am a self sabotaging, attention seeking, manipulative, evil….. WOW!!!!!


Right there, see all that? That was when I completely found myself crying so hard I could punch a wall. I broke down so fast and so hard, because like they say truth hurts and it don’t get anymore truer than discovering your most deepest darkest secrets. I know exactly, every single minute that pushed me into that mode. Funny, because I don’ remember being taught this specific behavior. But, there it is in all it’s horrifying glory. Now, I need to get myself out of it. I had no idea I was doing all that because for one, I am extremely private so nobody, until recently, could have seen that to even point it out to me. Two, it’s subconscious, so it was unaware to me. But, truthfully, it wasn’t unaware, because I constantly have the most horrendous, eat me alive dreams, only most of the time I do not remember them. I am never fully rested, they call that insomnia, but what exactly is it that’s keeping you awake? I know what it is for me now. I have spent most of my life living in a fantasy world in a back dark, damp, cold corner of my head because of child abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc.., that I spent more time there alone than in reality.


I don’t want to live there anymore, I see the problem, I will fix the problem, just as soon as I figure out how. This past year has meant more to me than any year of my life. I can’t even say the birth of my kids is better, and I am the kind of mom who has always put my kids before and above me. Guess, I didn’t realize I was hiding from them too. I was no use to anyone, including them but mostly myself. Ding Ding Ding……. I SEE IT NOW!!!!


I have to give the credit of this epiphany to my one and only TRUE friend. I have always had flocks of people around me, I was the clown, the leader, the one everyone wanted to be, the one people feared, worshiped, adored, but, never did a one of them ever know the real me who hid behind laughter. I also was the one who was forced to sit or stand in a corner or behind furniture so that I was not seen my certain people. I have lived both sides of it depending on who I was with. But nobody saw the little girl who was still there longing for someone to help her. The little girl who was drowning in pain. Memories are great for some people, I blocked most of mine out, they found a way to stay alive though, by manifesting through my self loathing.


Anyway, as I said, I give my friend credit for this. That person did everything short of physically slapping me into reality. I have nothing but, respect and love for that person. Here, I thought I was suppose to help them turns out I needed help as well. Now that is what a real friendship is, both of you working hard to better not only yourselves but, each other. I finally know what LOVE really means.


Never in a million years did I see all this coming, be it the writing or the self detection, but here it all is right up in my face. Now I see it all clearly, now I choose to kick it to the curb. I thought people around me were the deadweight I had to get rid of, it wasn’t. It was my emotional, mental, spiritual baggage. And believe me, it’s already packed and at the door, all I need is to pick it up and throw it out. That is coming very soon!!!

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Stand upright, speak thy thoughts, declare The truth thou hast, that all may share; Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare. -Voltaire

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