There comes a time in everyone’s life were they have to decide who they put up with and who they don’t. I have been to that point and back many times. I am now at the point where I question if my loyalty is holding me back. Everything I have learned about myself since the beginning of the new year seems to be contradictory to my beliefs. The more I think about it or discuss it the more I am told that I need to start being selfish.
Not to the point of neglecting my children obviously but, to where I drop anyone who is not on-board with me for the entire cruise. I have been aboard many a vessel in my life and many times I have drowned while everyone else jumped ship. No, I wasn’t Captain, I was just sacrificing myself for the betterment of humanity. At least that’s what I thought, but humanity itself is indeed very selfish.
Turns out the betterment of humanity does not lie in what you do for others but, what you do for yourself. Day after day I struggle with all the poisonous toxins in my brain that keep me from being the best me I can be. Now I am beginning to struggle with my reasoning in staying loyal to anyone other than my own self. Exactly what do I gain from that? I thought I gained loyalty back. Hmmm, I guess in a way I do get loyalty back to an extent. I suppose it depends on that person’s commitment to me vs mine to them.
I am trying to make my own way, to feel the joy of success and the tears of failure. But, whether I fail or succeed it will be for me, by me, not by someone else’s hand. Nothing in life is worth a damn if you haven’t experienced it first hand. You can spend your entire life mimicking others but, you are never learning anything from the struggles they had. You are just a second rate human being, not just of them but, ultimately of yourself as well. You will never know the true meaning of life this way. You will continue to be a weak person, in body, mind, and soul.
I have considered myself a very strong person and up to this very moment I have shown my weakness for mankind as well. My unconditional love for my fellow people and my need to make their lives better has become the very thing that is undoing all I work so hard for. I see people in need and I feel an overwhelming and unstoppable sensation come over me. I must drop all I am doing and run to their rescue. This is not only time-consuming but, tiresome as well, and in the end all I want is set aside, be it dreams, goals, or beliefs.
I believe in a better world for us and our children. I believe that a day will come where we will all rise out of this oppression we hold ourselves in and like a family we will all unite for good. Funny, ain’t it? Not so funny if Martin Luther King Jr said it though right? But, if I say it well I must be psychotic. I am not psychotic in any way, shape, or form, I do however see that this dream that both MLK Jr and myself share, is just that a dream. Dreams can come true or so they say, but I have always heard dreams are just your subconscious mind trying to solve a problem in your life. So if it is an answer you seek while dreaming, how can a dream come true? Somehow you would have to make a dream a reality but, if it’s a reality it’s real and therefore no longer a dream.
One person can spark the mind of another and so forth, but there will always be those who stand just as firm as we and try to stop it. Do we give up or do we continue this eternal tug-of-war, hoping that one day the side we are fighting will just grow weary and let go so we can pull them to our side? The thing is it does get tiring, always carrying the weight of the world and it’s problems on your shoulders. Point is though, no one person should be responsible for that alone. So where are the rest of the “Atlas” people at? Doesn’t it make sense if we all joined in and each held up a part of the world it would be lighter and we wouldn’t be so fatigued?
That is what friendship is suppose to be, all of us coming together holding up the problem and picking it apart piece by piece until there is nothing left but, a minuscule pebble too small to see anymore. You know what they say,”out of sight, out of mind.” How do we join forces though? With all that I do in a single day, I know I sure don’t have time to even consider someone else’s struggles let alone try and help them carry it. I could just turn my back to it and only deal with my needs, but is that really helping me? I have always believed we are a whole, how could I just go against my entire belief and not help those in need? I wish I knew how to answer this, but alas this is my current struggle. To be selfish or not, is that even worth answering?