Cancer not only tears through someone’s body it tears through their family like a hurricane tears through the countryside. It has torn through my family like a ravenous wolf actually, like an insatiable pack of Lions, All of my grandparents have died from some form of cancer; pancreas,throat, stomach, liver, and leukemia. It as claimed great aunts and uncles and all and now last week it has claimed my baby sister. I am sure the term “baby” sister is not how most people would describe their 33 year old sister but, even though I am only 2 years older, she has always been my baby sister.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I blame myself to a certain extent and I blame her to an extent, then I wonder who really is to blame and why aren’t they being held accountable? I don’t get it, you know, all this God stuff. He is suppose to be almighty and love us in spite of what we do, yet he punishes us. If God is all good, why is he punishing us for our flaws and why does he punish us by having very bad lives and then rip us out of the hands of the people who do love us unconditionally? It really makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. I don’t understand how people put so much faith in God and say God is good in times of happiness and blessings. What do you say in times of sorrow and pain? “God will get us through this.” Why is God putting you through this to begin with if he is GOOD?
Maybe, I am just going overboard because most of my life has been painful at the hands of people who were suppose to love me unconditionally or by God who took away those who did love me that way. I feel the same way I did at 12 years old when I lost my grandfather, I question and question and the only answer I ever get is don’t ask questions just do, because God says so. I am sorry but, I refuse to just accept that God is good and yet he takes from us and inflicts pain on his children. Where I come from that is called abuse and well, it is not right or good.
As kids we are suppose to ask questions, infact we are trained to ask them when we do not know the answer. So if God is our elder, our “father” why are we not suppose to ask him why he is doing these things to us and not expect an answer? It just makes absolutely no sense to give God glory no matter what he does to us. We wouldn’t do that to anyone else who took a loved one from us or tortured us daily, so why is he the exception.
What I do know is that a lot of people are going to be mad I wrote this, because how dare I say these things. But, open your eyes people, good doesn’t inflict bad things on people especially good people. And please don’t say Satan, because there is no good against evil war going on here. What we have here is selfishness and greed and people who don’t believe they need to step up and console their fellow man. Every human being has been forced at one time or another to deal with death. Of course everyone says, “They are in a better place now.” They say that because they know this world we live in is a disgusting and excruciatingly painful place to live. Even people who don’t believe in heaven will spout off about how their loved one is in heaven now with God. That makes them feel better, I guess. I don’t feel better knowing that my family that I loved dearly is gone, it doesn’t go away or get easier. Maybe it is because unlike most people who claim to love unconditionally, I do just that every moment of every day whether they are living or departed.
Obviously I feel the need to be angry at someone right now after losing my sister unexpectedly last week. And as you can see I am a thinker who asks questions because I like to know things. Learning is one of my hobbies and you can’t learn something if someone doesn’t explain it to you. Not that I am asking anyone to explain anything, this is just what was going through my mind and basically they are rhetorical questions because I am in no mood for someone to come in with their know it all attitude and quote scriptures to me. Infact one day I just may write about why I am anti-Christian in the first place. Hopefully, I have given you all something to think about while I am deep in thought as well.