Live Everyday Like It’s Your Last

Life is short…. How many times a day do we hear those exact words? Our whole lives we are aware that death is inevitable and that one day our time will come but, when it comes, we are not prepared for it.  Is there a way to prepare for the inevitable demise of a loved one? Even when you find out and have time to grieve and to say goodbye,  can you truly prepare?

I have lived through many family losses, I have been to only a couple of funerals, and I have held the hand to someone knowing they will pass but, could not find the words to comfort them or myself. I love you seems to be the only thing I can manage to say before I break into tears and have to walk away, head hung in shame. I have held my dog as the Vet injected her and felt her life fade right in front of my very eyes. We knew she was sick, we knew she wouldn’t get better, we had time to say goodbye but, all I could say to her was “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry because I failed to take care of her so that she could have a long life. I tear up as I type this,because we are approaching the year anniversary of her passing and because losing my sister is still far too fresh for me. I feel like she was robbed of her life and I was robbed of her. I am aware that she is better off now because she is no longer in pain but, then I begin to question everything like…. is death the reward while life is the punishment? I have lived a hard life but, do I deserve to continue to suffer after everything I have already been through? And why is it that those who don’t seem to suffer much, end up getting rescued before the rest of us? Honestly, it is beginning to annoy me that people are required to suffer to be considered a good person anyway.   And I am still disgusted at her diagnosis and lack of treatment.

I don’t have faith in the medical profession, I have seen and heard what doctor’s do. I have been on the receiving end of what doctor’s do. But, what gets me is not what they do but, what they don’t do. Like save you before it is too late!!! You see my sister had just had twin boys in August and got sick not long after that. What I don’t get is everyone knows a woman over 30 having a multiple birth is at risk, therefore they are watched over regardless of past pregnancies. What I want to know is how on God’s green Earth do you miss something as severe as breast cancer? I am not saying it couldn’t have just appeared and I know that cancer is still fairly new to us and sometimes it doesn’t show up. But, stage 4 in February, 6 months after she was in the hospital delivering babies. 6 months after having a C-section and a tubal ligation. Seriously…. Nobody in 6 months or before saw or heard her say anything that would warrant a mammogram or ultrasound?  How does that happen?

Yes, I am going through the stages of grief, this has just been told to me every single day since she passed. On top of all the things going on in life this was the last thing I wanted to hear. And I cannot prepare for what comes next no matter how hard I try, I cannot and will not accept this. I refuse to turn this into the circus main attraction that some people in my family seem to be trying to do. But, what can I do besides keep spreading the word and awareness? I can’t be her savior and even if I wanted to be it’s a little late to be trying to save the dead, I suppose that is someone else’s job now. Hell, for all I know she has reincarnated already anyway and is bringing happiness to someone else somewhere far away from here. All I can hope for is that she is happy and that she knows that I loved her no matter what.  As for me, I will keep sharing her story and find new stories to bring to light. Her life changed so why shouldn’t mine……