Recently I have noticed that I am feeling a certain way about all the women I see on my Facebook that are pregnant or with newborn. It has been almost 7 years since my total hysterectomy. Due to medical issues I had it done because it was a last resort. I had been dealing with the whole ” I want a baby” thing for quite awhile when I was forced to get the hysterectomy. It took almost nothing to bring me to tears, just being in a store and see baby things would cause me to tear up so badly I would have to leave the store because I was on the verge of a total meltdown.
2 days after I got out of the hospital my husband brought me a 4 week old pitbull and I was not happy until I held him, then it was all love. Rosko, will be 7 years old in August. I won’t deny it, Rosko saved my sanity, I was so torn up over the surgery I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t have him to baby.
|Rosko and Loca 2008|
Don’t get me wrong,I am not complaining, I know I am blessed I have 2 children, only miscarried once, and have had 2 dogs up til last year when I had to put one down due to illness. I even had 17 grandpuppies, which is probably one of the reasons Loca got sick. I count my blessings daily, because I know that others have it worse. It’s just every once in awhile I feel like why did I not get the chance to have a bigger family.
Then reality slaps me in the face and wakes me up from my self-absorbed, egotistical, completely irrational and insane delusions I was fantasizing about. It as been struggle after struggle raising my kids, their illnesses and mine have been exhausting. Having one of our dogs for just over a year and a half and having to put her down just about killed me. The economy issue has hit us extremely hard and on and on we go on this never ending roller coaster that is my life.
So how dare I, in a moment of mental weakness, wish that I had gotten the chance to have more kids? Yea, don’t answer that; I already know the who, what, when, how and why of that. Every now and again, this smart woman has less than intelligent moments and allows emotions to outrank my brain. I would probably feel differently if I had my nieces and nephews nearby to spoil all the time. In fact, I know I would.
I still remember like it was yesterday when I was taking care of my niece. As much as I loved her I was so relieved that I didn’t have to take care of a baby 24/7. Sometimes I don’t realize how grown my kids are; and that I actually enjoy being able to do other things than spend every single moment catering solely to them. So I will just keep admiring everyone’s babies and thank the universe for not having to lose sleep for feedings or spend tons of money on diapers and formula. Just pray that I don’t turn into that woman in that Lifetime movie who imagined she had another child and actually did everything that came along with a child. LOL Not necessarily funny but, in a way it kinda is.