My Delusional Desire To Have Another Child

Recently I have noticed that I am feeling a certain way about all the women I see on my Facebook that are pregnant or with newborn. It has been almost 7 years since my total hysterectomy. Due to medical issues I had it done because it was a last resort. I had been dealing with the whole ” I want a baby” thing for quite awhile when I was forced to get the hysterectomy. It took almost nothing to bring me to tears, just being in a store and see baby things would cause me to tear up so badly I would have to leave the store because I was on the verge of a total meltdown.

2 days after I got out of the hospital my husband brought me a 4 week old pitbull and I was not happy until I held him, then it was all love. Rosko, will be 7 years old in August. I won’t deny it, Rosko saved my sanity, I was so torn up over the surgery I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t have him to baby.

Rosko and Loca 2008

Don’t get me wrong,I am not complaining, I know I am blessed I have 2 children, only miscarried once, and have had 2 dogs up til last year when I had to put one down due to illness. I even had 17 grandpuppies, which is probably one of the reasons Loca got sick. I count my blessings daily, because I know that others have it worse. It’s just every once in awhile I feel like why did I not get the chance to have a bigger family.

Then reality slaps me in the face and wakes me up from my self-absorbed, egotistical, completely irrational and insane delusions I was fantasizing about. It as been struggle after struggle raising my kids, their illnesses and mine have been exhausting. Having one of our dogs for just over a year and a half and having to put her down just about killed me. The economy issue has hit us extremely hard and on and on we go on this never ending roller coaster that is my life.

So how dare I, in a moment of mental weakness, wish that I had gotten the chance to have more kids? Yea, don’t answer that; I already know the who, what, when, how and why of that. Every now and again, this smart woman has less than intelligent moments and allows emotions to outrank my brain. I would probably feel differently if I had my nieces and nephews nearby to spoil all the time. In fact, I know I would.

I still remember like it was yesterday when I was taking care of my niece. As much as I loved her I was so relieved that I didn’t have to take care of a baby 24/7. Sometimes I don’t realize how grown my kids are; and that I actually enjoy being able to do other things than spend every single moment catering solely to them. So I will just keep admiring everyone’s babies and thank the universe for not having to lose sleep for feedings or spend tons of money on diapers and formula. Just pray that I don’t turn into that woman in that Lifetime movie who imagined she had another child and actually did everything that came along with a child. LOL Not necessarily funny but, in a way it kinda is.

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6 thoughts on “My Delusional Desire To Have Another Child

  1. Angel Eyes says:

    Well I can relate to this madness ha ha ha I also had a hysterectomy but I to already had 3 children and then got 3 dogs what was I thinking???? My hysterectomy was because of health issues as well , i think because it was not our choice we feel this way… I do now feel sometimes wishing I had a little one again until like you say my sister brings hers over or a friend and SLAP woke me up from that thought quikly …My children are all adults now and now I look forward to being a grandma this way I can have all the fun of playing with them and spoiling them and then giving them back lol : )

  2. Adriene Joyce says:

    I don't think there is anything wrong with being emotional and wanting things, even when it seems like we shouldn't complain. We all go through something like this at one time or another. It's great that you are expressing yourself and have a sense of humor about it. xox

    Sweepy Jean
    http://sweepyjean.wordpress.com
    (sorry, wordpress is down right now)

  3. Andrea says:

    Wow… I typed in my search “delusional desire to bear children” and it led me to your blog. I've been fighting for 4 years with the desire to have another child. I already have 3. I'm not even married right now, but I've reconnected with a friend I knew when I was a teenager and we've been talking about the future. He doesn't want a baby. I do. He doesn't realize how BADLY I want HIS baby. I've been suffering in this state of delusion and wondering how do I make myself NOT want a baby? How do I get my emotions wrapped around the good, sound logic of not having a baby? After all, I'm 45… I'm high risk! Why can't I shut down my emotions about this? If I could have this part of my emotional brain removed I'd do it, because it pains me so much. I don't know if this is because I've experienced two miscarriages after my first 3 kids or if it's because I've finally rediscovered that one of my best friends is a wonderful man and I want to see us have a child that is biologically OURS together? I'm torn up. I try to push these feelings to the back burner, but they keep resurfacing. I don't know how to let them go. Anyone have suggestions?

  4. Jenni says:

    @Andrea I think you have answered your own question. You have 3 kids and have suffered miscarriages, you have a “wonderful man” who doesn't want kids. A child isn't going to make your relationship but, it may break it. You obviously have a great man in your life who realizes how hard it was on you to have had miscarriages, he also is smart enough to see you are at high risk. I don't recommend putting yourself or your relationship through that torture. I can't guarantee that your desire won't go away but, it does get easier to deal with. Besides one day you will be out doing things with your man and will be so thankful you don't have a baby keeping you from enjoying life. There will always be grandbabies later on that you will be able to spoil without all the side effects that come with it. I wish you a blessed life and hope it gets easier to deal with that desire. I thank you for taking the time to read and comment my blog it means a lot to me.

  5. Andrea says:

    Thank you for replying. I still don't know what to do with these feelings. At least I can relate to someone who has had them. Like I said, it would make my life easier if I could take this part of emotion out of my brain. But I can't. I keep struggling with it. I don't want this to keep me from the man I love. It's a no-win situation.

  6. Jenni says:

    @Andrea Might I suggest a hobby of some sort. Maybe that will help. Possibly a support group as well. I will see if I can find some information or find one that may suit your needs. I have no idea where you live but, I will look and see what's available. Talking to people who have gone through it is always a good thing. It will take time but, with any luck you will choose wisely and have happiness for the rest of your life. If you have Facebook feel free to add me you can find me through my fanpage on the side of this blog. I am happy to help in any way that I can. =)

Stand upright, speak thy thoughts, declare The truth thou hast, that all may share; Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare. -Voltaire

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