Yesterday was a day of pain; deep, devouring, why on Earth would I get up pain!!! I lost 2 people on March 29th a year apart. And as strong as I think I am; I am not strong enough to forgive myself for at least one of them. (R.I.P. baby and grandma)
I still blame myself for the miscarriage in 2000; you would think that after this many years I could let it go. I won’t say I am a glutton for punishment; I just want to make sure I do enough “time.” Pain to me can be like jail time, I am imprisoned but, it purely is by my own choice. I don’t want to suffer but, at the same time I believe that you have to remember or repeating the same mistake is inevitable. Does that mean in remembering I have to relive the pain? Well, in my opinion, once you let that pain go, forgetting what happened soon follows. Maybe my own personal judgement in my life is too clouded for me to see clearly.
The day pretty much bummed me out when I first realized what day it was but, as it progressed I got distracted enough to not let it get to me like it usually does. That seems a bit odd to me, distraction is the key to not beating myself up? Does that mean everything I feel and do is boredom driven? That when I have nothing to do I choose to torture myself for the past? I don’t know if I like that, if it is at all true.
Maybe, I have finally realized this year, that I have served my sentence in its entirety plus some. Honestly, I feel relieved that I can finally get through my life and know that I am a good person and don’t need to keep punishing myself for mistakes that I have made. A calm has washed over me knowing that this is the year I have waited forever for. I have spent a lifetime battling the mistakes my parents made, why spend a lifetime in agony for mine. The clouds in my head have parted and I can finally see, I am becoming the person I should have been raised to be.