Oh Sh*t

Note: This poem was written on July 31, 1994. I was barely 19 years old. The titles back then were so simplistic. My words that I penned were usually painful and either full of rage or confusion.I had left my father’s home 2 months prior and found out the reason so many in my family have turn to alcohol as the kill all for deep rooted pain.

I’m feeling all this strife
everyday of my life.
My emotions are real tight
now every day becomes a fight.
My heart is filled with countless dread
and my worst enemy is in my head.
I look upon the things I’ve done
and every thing leads to my gun.
How could a person who has stayed so strong
through everything that has turned out wrong,
turn and lead the life I lead
and hope things will get better without the greed?
I ask myself questions every day,
how can I live and still find time to play?
I tell myself that nobody gives a shit
for people like me, who give up and quit.
As I have sat night after night drinking beers
it only makes me waste all the tears.
I’m scared of my life and the horror it brings
I’m tired of living with reality’s stings.
As I sit and start thinking, I don’t give a damn
I wonder exactly who the hell I am.
How a life of loneliness I have led as a child
could turn me into a monster of wild?
I keep thinking and wondering when will my day come,
the answer keeps coming…”When your life is done!”

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3 thoughts on “Oh Sh*t

  1. Finding One's Way says:

    Jenni,
    Those are some powerful feelings to have when you are such a young girl. I fear my daughter feels much like you did at 19. You write with such feeling and compassion even when you were so young.

    The pain and writing through it was a very constructive thing to do.
    Thank you for giving us a glimpse in to you mind and feelings as a 19 year old girl.
    xoxo
    Jessica

  2. Jenni says:

    @Jessica I was a victim of abuse at a very very young age. By the time I was 19 I would have been the equivalent of what a 30yr old is now. I had moments of childlikeness because I was still a child at that age, but a majority of the time I was way beyond my years. Something I don't express enough in my writing today. Thank you for your comment, there will be much more to come. I only wish I had poems from when I was even younger but, alas I can only go back to when I was 17.

    By the way, I saw it in your daughter's words to you. She is in a lot of pain. Most people, never get away from that, they continue the cycle generation after generation. I hope she doesn't become one of them.

  3. Finding One's Way says:

    Oh God Jenni I can't save her I have tried she is going to have to come to it on her own. It breaks my heart because there is not much I can do. She like you were at a young age is a brilliant writer I wish she would embrace it more and see her full worth.
    You are an inspiration to surveyors of abuse. It should never happen to anyone especially to someone so young and pure.
    Blessings
    Jessica

Stand upright, speak thy thoughts, declare The truth thou hast, that all may share; Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare. -Voltaire

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