I am exhausted….mentally, physically, and most of all, emotionally.
When I get like this no amount of caffeine or sleep can fix it. It isn’t something that happens often but, it does happen. I am an overly stressed woman who holds the weight of the world on my shoulders and every now and again; a weight drops on me that I am not strong enough to handle, that is when I become exhausted. Most people call this a breakdown; I call it an ill-timed shutdown.
My daughter wasn’t feeling well, and as a parent this is the first sign of impending doom. I sat here helpless and guilt stricken. We haven’t had health insurance in 3 years and even though it’s not our fault; it made me feel bad for having kids that apparently I am in no position to raise the way I would like to.
She came to me and told me there is a lump between her chin and neck. Here is how my mind works when something happens…..
OMG Oh My God OH MY GOD A LUMP. SHE HAS A LUMP IN HER NECK. MY SISTER HAD LUMPS IN HER NECK……. SHE DIED OMG OMG OMFG. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? WHO CAN I CALL? WHERE CAN I TAKE HER? I AM A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!! WHY HAVE I LET HER GO SO LONG WITHOUT SEEING A DOCTOR…..
I am a worrier, I am a thinker, and I am a paranoid freak who fears the worst in almost every situation. You have to understand where I am coming from though. If you have read my posts you know how hard my sister’s death hit me, and how I begged people to see a doctor before it’s too late.
The worst part of me being like this, is I refuse to let my children see me freak out. I don’t want them seeing me act like a blubbering idiot nor have them freaked out because I am freaking out. I’m not saying I haven’t cried in front of them because I have. I just don’t want to melt down that hard and fast in front of them. I picked up my phone and called my husband….
“We need to take her to the doctor. Do you think I can take her to the clinic tomorrow as a walk-in and get her seen? NO, I think that would take all day. I WANT to take her to the ER.” I said to him before he could mutter a hello.
He asked me which Hospital I wanted to take her to and when he came home we drove there. I told him to drop our daughter and me off and take our son home and rest. He argued with me, of course, he always does but, I assured him I can handle it and we shouldn’t have our son out all night waiting in a Hospital. It was 11ish pm when we walked in the Hospital. I updated Facebook so my family could be informed. But, while there I lost signal and I knew eventually I’d have to walk outside and update the panicked people on my friends list.
Fast forward to the test results, because I don’t want to put my daughter’s entire experience out there. Just because I am a writer and blogger doesn’t mean I should violate her right to privacy. They tested her for diabetes, it runs rampant in my family and I am insulin resistant so it was a huge concern. Thankfully, the results came back as normal. WHEW!!! They also tested her thyroid level because she has had Hashimoto’s Disease (auto-immune hypothyroidism) since she was 6 and 3 years without medicine was also a huge concern. Surprisingly, those came back normal too. WOW!!!
Now about the lump, the doctor’s are convinced it’s a lymph node and that we need to watch it. They said they would test for infection, I don’t know what they said all I heard was lymph node. Here is another peek into my mind….
WHAT!!! LYMPH NODEEEEE…DID SHE SAY LYMPH NODE. OH MY GODDDDDD GOD NOOOOOOO PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOO DON’T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. THIS IS MY DAUGHTER YOU CANNOT HAVE HER. YOU WILL NOT HAVE HER!!!!
Tears streamed down my face and I wiped them quickly before my daughter saw them.
For those of you that don’t know why I freaked out like a mental case… my sister who passed, was sick and her lymph nodes popped out of her neck. I had not even 3 full days with my sister on the phone before she died in the Hospital. Prior to that her and I had spoke on the phone and discussed possibilities for the lymph node problem. I COULDN’T do this with my daughter and I went from 0-60 in .03 seconds.
The doctor told me no sign of infection and what to watch for with my daughter’s lymph node. They gave me the whole spiel about if it worsens yada yada, make an appointment Monday with a pediatrician and sent us home with 3 prescriptions at 4 am. After a long talk today with my mom and my brother in law; who is a pediatrician, I feel a little calmer. I will feel much better when the lymph node is no longer inflamed and she is back to perfect health. I guess our kids can never be too old for us to flip out about.