This post I am about to write is NOT for some readers. This piece is solely educational, for anyone who needs to understand cutting. After reading Don’t Stop Me, I decided to write this to spread awareness. If you get easily upset about horrific events in people’s lives please do not hesitate in leaving this post immediately. The only way to end violence, including one’s against ourselves is to speak about it and raise awareness.
If you would like help for cutting please contact Self Mutilator’s Anonymous or S.A.F.E Alternatives or by all means please contact a doctor.
Words, scents, life in general…are all triggers. One moment you are fine the next minute your vision has turned black and your breathing has increased. Your chest heaves and with every breath comes an image in your head, a repressed feeling, and a new crack in your already damaged mind.
People don’t understand!!! They offer advice on things they don’t have a clue about. You live in your head because it has been your escape for more years then you care to remember. People shout at you, “Just snap out of it.” Who are these people telling you how to handle your life? Where were these people when you needed someone to rescue you? They don’t know what you are feeling, they don’t know the agony, they don’t know you at all. They see a mirage of a person, they don’t see the real you. Truth is, NOBODY has seen the real you since before the abuse started. You don’t even know who you are anymore!
It’s safer to live inside your head than to try and explain why you do it. They haven’t lived what you lived, and if they had lived a portion of it they clearly have forgotten how painful it is relive it day after day after day. There is no “magical” pill or “therapist” that can erase that pain. There is no cure for this kind of pain; there is only release of the festering, aka bloodletting.
As with any wound there is drainage, when it doesn’t drain by itself it must be excised. It is removed just like any other surgical procedure; there is no slashing in random areas. Each incision is strategically placed, there are no thoughts or worries about what people will see or think. There is only a hospital staff of people walking the patient through the surgery.
There is only one thing going on in your head and it is “OPEN THE DOOR HURRY PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR.” You are trying desperately to get inside your safe room. The room that your mind built for you when you were a victim of abuse. The room that you had to escape to, so that you could wake up every day and function as a human being.
Nobody sees it, they only see the external recovery if they are lucky. When a person is abused they feel the initial pain of it, after awhile they go to a safe place inside of their heads to escape the torture. That same mind that tortures with evil memories is the same mind that rescued when the body was being violated. It’s a constant conflict; it’s the ever present battle of good and evil. Cutting is the same thing.
Memories come flooding and the old hurts step in and immobilizes you. There is no escape, you are paralyzed with fear. The person is helpless. A cutter has to find that safe place in a hurry.
In an episode, the cutting will continue until the cutter no longer feels the sting of the blade or the warm blood streaming down their body.This is when they know they have reached their safe place. This IS the moment of RELEASE!
It has nothing to do with dying, it is a coping mechanism; one that the person has been using their entire life. After a victim is removed from the horrors of abuse they can no longer cope the way they use to. There is no yelling or hitting anymore, there is no rape. There is only a person standing there with no way of protecting themselves from the memories and hurt that is coming to a head.
Anyone who has never been abused cannot fathom this conflict. Nobody wants to be abused, nobody asks to be abused but, that abuse helped the person cope with stress, life, hardship and pain. Remove that abuse and the survivor has to find a way to overcome it.
The only thing they know how to do is to escape to a safe zone when the pain comes. When there is no longer abuse there isn’t that automatic reaction. You now have to do one of two things; face the monster head on and hope you are strong enough to fight it or force yourself into that safe place.
Physical pain forces you into survival mode; it opens the door to the locked, secure room that is your safety. Cutting initiates the chain reaction to get you to that room where you can function as normally as you ever have.
I am not condoning cutting, this is in no way a post about glorifying self mutilation. This is for educational purposes; for those who don’t understand cutting but, have a loved one who cuts. This is also for the cutters; to express the things that cutting does but, that they cannot put into words.
Everyone has some demon they keep hidden from the rest of the world. Fear keeps these demons alive. The only way to educate and get help is to speak about it. We cannot turn a blind eye to horrific occurrences and pretend they don’t exist. We have to educate and help our fellow man/woman.
We all know someone who is suffering, what does it cost us to put a hand out and lift someone out of that Hell? The cycles need to be broken, the word must be spread, people are in need of assistance… will you be a part of the problem or will you be part of the solution?