It started on Sunday May 8, 2011 when the rest of the United States was celebrating Mother’s Day. I too am a mother…. of two children. My son left with his dad that morning, my daughter was still sleeping and I was damn near catatonic on the couch.
That’s when I realized if I don’t get up now the turkey breast I was suppose to be cooking will not be done by dinnertime. So, like a good maid I got up and put dinner in the crock pot. Simple, you would think but, I only use the crock pot for food I would normally bake in the oven. All these years and still my oven is nothing more than pot storage.
I made my way back to the couch; I was already starting to feel ill. Seriously??? This is my day and my stomach is in knots. What a Mother’s Day this is going to be!!!
My husband and son came back and my son fell asleep watching TV in my bed and my husband….. Well Prince Charming did what he always does on MY days….sat on the couch flipping through countless channels because nothing is worth watching all the way through.
I gave him the evil eye, that’s what I do when I really want to punch someone in the face for acting like “it’s just another day.” You would think I would be use to it after almost 17 years together but, I’m not. At least he managed to bring me home flowers….for that I am thankful. He could have helped with cleaning or offered some cuddletime though. But, I digress….
I understand why he does it. He grew up with nothing and for him money = happiness. I am trying hard to break him of that misguided belief. His entire family celebrates life with such vigor it’s a wonder why he doesn’t. I may NEVER know why either.
So I spent Mother’s Day cooking, cleaning and vegging on the couch; watching TV and waiting for my kids to wake up.
As the day progressed…. I became sadder. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t my husband’s lack of romance or caring. I usually get over the disappointment fairly fast. It wasn’t until later this week it dawned on me. I couldn’t write, I had no desire to; something or someone had entered my mind and I was an emotional wreck.
My sister, Jessica she was a mom of 4 and never really got the chance to spend time with her kids on Mother’s Day. She made some bad decisions in the past but, never did she stop loving her children. This is something I knew well; as I spent a lot of time talking to her about it.
Bells went off in my head….Jessica was projecting her feelings onto me all week. Not only was Sunday Mother’s Day but, Friday would have been her 34th birthday. I feel bad, I feel ill, I feel her asking me why this happened to her and I have no idea how to explain it to her.
I can’t give her the peace she is asking for. Anyone who understands the supernatural or life after death understands that there is only so much you can do to help them once they have passed away. I don’t want to force her out….. That was never me when she was alive and I refuse to do it in death.
Her energy is strong, it always was, she fed off my energy a lot and here I was trying to have a beautiful Mother’s Day and felt her snacking on my energy like a starving Vampire. Even though she is projecting her sadness into my life, I will not make her leave. She has come to me as she has always done; she is looking for me to fix it. Unfortunately, there is little I can do to fix what has her upset and I sure as Hell cannot fix death.
My kids are 15 and 13 and that was the age Jess and I were when we first lived in separate houses. That is the age when she made very poor decisions and I wasn’t there as the older sister to protect her and tell her which way to go.
That was the beginning of her lifetime struggle with manic depression. Later I will discuss this illness that affected our family’s lives so drastically.
But, right now I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESS….
and somehow it will all work out in the end. I LOVE YOU!!!