Freedom For Father’s Day

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Father’s Day brings mixed emotions for me. One, for my kids who rarely see their dad because he is a workaholic; I guess if he is going to be an aholic I prefer it be work over alcohol. It would be nice if their dad realized that there is more to being a dad then providing a roof over one’s head. I’m certain one day he will grasp that idea but, the kids will be grown by then.

The other is for my father who is still alive but, I don’t call him or send him a card anymore for various reasons.

One reason being, he has disowned  me too many times to remember. Secondly, I don’t receive cards or calls on my “special” days including my birthday and neither do my kids; his grandkids. And lastly, I am just tired of trying to keep a relationship alive when it’s apparent he doesn’t care. Therefore, I have taken up the position of “You don’t know me then I don’t know you.” After all these years of trying what more can I do…

Am I wrong for this? I don’t believe I am wrong, I did my best most of my life to be a part of his life and in my opinion the road goes both ways. Yet, here I am, the one putting in the effort all the time. It just isn’t worth it to me to keep trying when it’s obvious I am not wanted in his life. I did the “Christian” thing; I forgave, accepted apologies and gave apologies but, did I get unconditional love back? No, I did not get back a fraction of what I put into the supposed father/daughter relationship. What we have here people, is a failure to reciprocate.

I’ve moved on now, there is nothing left to do but, move on and as my husband says; “Just say I love you and leave it at that.” (He can be a wise man sometimes.) I have bent over backwards to be included in the lives of people who swear they love me and my kids but, don’t actually know us. My kids have grandparents and they are a mystery to them. There are no phone calls, cards, or letters… absolutely nothing except, the occasional; “You know we love your kids” statement that I have heard during a phone call. Yet, still no effort is made on their part to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives. I have a hard time with this because I was taught that family is everything; how strange… because only certain family was ever included in our lives when I was growing up the rest were “disowned.” Well, looks like I too am a part of the “do as I want or be gone” side of the family. Thank God I believe that the most important family is my husband and kids or I might just be torn up about being exiled…

I can no longer accept such half-assed attempts from anyone, no matter who they are. It is one thing to be upset at me for whatever you believe I have done wrong but, to alienate children just because they are my blood is not only ridiculous it’s asinine and childish. One day my kids will be grown and in my opinion better off for not knowing people who didn’t take time out of their busy little fantasy isle lives to acknowledge them and love them.

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So my gift this Father’s Day is the gift of… freedom. I am freeing myself of annoyances, games and intolerable trivial nonsense and I am giving my father the freedom to never have to deal with me or mine ever again; which is clearly the greatest gift for any father who constantly disowns people like they were material possessions.

What I will not give though is my silence; I have spent too many years not saying what needed to be said and watched while those around me were verbally assaulted. I know for a fact that neither of my grandparents raised any of their children to be bullies or to deny their grandchildren just because they were mad at their children for something their child did as a child. In fact my grandmother not only accepted all her grandchildren she also accepted step-grandchildren and would take all of us during the summer to stay with her at her house. So I know very well her children were raised better than to “disown” anyone.

It’s time to grow up; the child is almost 36 years old now and if I am being judged as an adult for something I did as a child, well I guess you just aren’t as smart as you think you are. Everyone makes mistakes and when you say “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” than that is where it ends. You don’t hold on to something that transpired 17 years ago. I am not the same person I was 17 years ago and it’s a shame that some people haven’t changed at all in that time. So I end this with; I love you and I wish you well but, I cannot keep being a part of such constant hatred and childishness anymore. God loves all of his children no matter what; I know those are big shoes to fill but, you might want to give it a try.

To all the dads out there… Happy Father’s Day, love your children unconditionally and treat them well so that one day they will remember the good things about you and pass them down to their children.

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10 thoughts on “Freedom For Father’s Day

  1. Lucy says:

    I have an unorthodox relationship with my Dad too, though these days we do talk. I think the best way I learnt to deal with it was to no longer think of him as ‘My Dad’ but as someone I knew. In that respect I don’t take any crap from him that I wouldn’t tolerate of a mate. Seems to have made things easier for me to deal with. I hope you enjoy your freedom 🙂

  2. IRFANUDDIN says:

    Really unfortunate…..b
    ut i do feel that one must do his/her part with their father or mother irrespective of what they do with their kids……bcoz after all they have given us such a beautiful life to live.

  3. Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A. says:

    Great post. This is exactly the reason why I developed a surrogate family for my children! We also live far away from other relatives (not that would be a total impediment if they did not want it to be- even if we go there, it’s as if we failed to shower that day)…
    Provide your children the examples they can use to NOT carry such behavior forward…

  4. Tameka Mullins says:

    Jen, the reason I love your blog(s) is because I know I will always read something raw, rich and honest. Some of the lines you wrote are ripped right from my own life. No one can relate or understand how it feels to be alienated from a parent unless they go through it. I have been there in the past and I AM there right now with my biological mother and I have gone through similar ranges of emotion. Keep being a wonderful wife, mom, friend and writer and know that there are people who haven’t even met you that love you dearly. We are only responsible for our own actions. Those that withhold love or hurt others will be held accountable for theirs. Hugs to you!

  5. Roy Durham says:

    Jen thank you for the father day wish. i know your story all to well. my first born , my daughter has dis own me so many times shut me out of her life, knot letting me know my grand kids. all this is the biggest hurt i bear. i pray that someday she will realize that i have always love her unconditioned since she was born and still do. this is something i don’t understand. sorry that you can’t have the relationship with him. thank you and god bless

  6. melissa says:

    I totally agree that there’s a line between being a good father and a good provider… I wish I have both….anyways… your writings are so sincere… Allow that freedom to envelop you. Now is the right time…

Stand upright, speak thy thoughts, declare The truth thou hast, that all may share; Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare. -Voltaire

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