Birthday Reflection

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When I sat down and wrote the poem ‘Nobody’s Birthday’ all I could think was how my birthday has sucked since 1997 when my husband decided it would be a “great” idea for us to wed that day.

 

In an emotional fit of jealousy and anger he had finally realized that calling me his wife for 3 years before we were actually married was not the brightest idea… only because I was getting more and more aggravated with it. I figured if I was to be strapped with the title of wife I should at least have the document proving it.

Albert Wenzell- The Marriage Proposal

You see when my husband and I were merely boyfriend and girlfriend he fell in love and proposed, I obviously wasn’t against it because I said yes and of course I loved him too.

 

The date he chose for us to get married was February 14th, 1996, a year and 5 months after we had begun dating. In February of 1995, we found out we were expecting and I guess that might have been the moment when things started falling apart…it was in my screwed up head anyway.

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You see I had this idea of how a relationship and love should be; funny because I didn’t exactly grow up around any stable loving relationships in my life, so where I got that idea from I will never know… maybe it was The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show.

For years I have held it against him that we never got married on the day we were suppose to and as the world will tell you… Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned and I was scorned. It always made me madmade me furious that he chose not to marry me on that date simply because of a few words my callous father had said about him… “He’s only marrying you to get his papers.” Which was a fabrication that he had created in his own mind, for my husband already had papers 7 years before even knowing me. So not only was that comment a lie and unnecessary it was clearly meant to hurt me and my relationship.

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But, every month that passed that I was not married I was told the most horrendous things by people who claimed to love me because I was an unwed mother.

 

You just have to love family whose ideas and warped sense of love taints perfectly loving relationships. I loved him and he loved me, we were faithful and raising our daughter together as a married couple…what more could a piece of paper give us?!

Those depraved mental games eventually infected my brain, as I began to wonder why we were still not married 3 years after our relationship began. So in a last dire attempt to rescue what was left of our relationship he married me, on my birthday. He was drunk out of his mind and couldn’t repeat the vows; I was angry in every one of our wedding pictures and was trying to hold back impending tears. It was the beginning of me dreading my birthday.

Year after year passed and more than not I would end the day upset and in tears because it seemed like nobody cared that it was my “special” day. No gifts, no cards, occasionally a cake and a happy birthday. The kids would do their best to make up for my sadness by showering me with several homemade cards and as much as I loved them it just never felt like enough. Call me selfish but, I wanted to be appreciated and pampered just for that one day.

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There came a point when not only was it my birthday that went uncelebrated but, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Christmas too. Now instead of hating just my birthday I began hating the entire year; day after day, month after month, year after year. My husband would always say, “It’s just another day.” God, how I hated hearing that!!!

Then this year as my birthday approached; I became melancholy just like I do every year, knowing it wouldn’t be any different. We were still struggling with extra money and as usual I would get the short end of the stick; that’s where my poem came in to play.

Instead something happened…something magical and unexpected. It occurred to me that this year was different from all the other years because I WAS DIFFERENT. I had accomplished many things this year that I didn’t even know I wanted to carry out until they happened. Clearly my mind was holding a secret that my heart hadn’t uncovered until a few days before my birthday. Nobody’s Birthdayis a sad, depressing poem but, it unlocked my ability to see what truly mattered this year…my life; every single day of it not just the one day that comes and goes.

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I am a mom, a writer and a friend and every day of my life I show exceptional love, kindness and understanding towards my friends, family and fellow writers. Some may not have seen that and that’s ok because frankly they hadn’t seen anything I have said or accomplished in quite some time now. I have made leaps and bounds in my personal life as well as my professional life in 5 short months; my hard work was finally paying off and that my dear readers is something I never expected to see this year.

Needless to say, I had a great birthday because instead of expecting others to celebrate me… I celebrated me, something I have never done in my entire 36 years of life. I am proud of myself.

Isn’t it wonderful when you finally appreciate yourself for who you are and what you’ve accomplished? Did you find out something about yourself this year? Are you proud of who you’ve become?

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31 thoughts on “Birthday Reflection

  1. janaki nagaraj says:

    Beautiful post….true to the last word. I too was bogged down with a belief that I was not good enough to do anything…it took me a lot of courage to do what I like doing and that is writing….I found myself, my purpose and my happiness.

  2. sulekkha says:

    Jenni, you are an excellent writer and I am so glad that your life is looking up and that you are so positive. We all should count our blessings and hone our skills, do the best we can then everything will become ok.

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Sulekkha. The positivity was always there I just let it become corrupt over the years. As long as I keep myself on track I shouldn’t have any problems staying positive. I really am grateful to have learned such a lesson this year.

  3. Ravenmyth says:

    Jen this is brilliant…you shared the events leading up to all the disappointments on the many special occasions that cross our lives year after year. The difference is, this year You Celebrated You! Bravo…you are all those things that you recognized about yourself and more. Instead of going outside yourself and looking for fulfillment from others..You filled yourself from within…that my dear is “Success”…the beauty is…once we learn and change our way of being…we can not go back. Nothing but onward and upward from here…and you deserve it. The world is yours to create…have fun…and be you….Always…

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Raven. I was already a couple steps ahead of myself that is why I shared the poem first before doing this one. I have a long way to go yet but, I feel good because I know where I was and I know where I’m at and after all I have gone through just these last few months is enough for me to say to myself keep going don’t stop. I am grateful to you for always having positive comments for me, those “little” things are very meaningful and help to keep me motivated.

  4. rimly says:

    Oh that was inspiring! You have finally unlocked the secret to being happy. We look for fulfillment outside of our self when it is all the time within us. The secret is to celebrate ourselves. Beautiful Jenni.

    • InJensMind says:

      The secret to being happy no matter what has happened to us… the happiness a child feels, the happiness that never faded when faced with abuse has finally at long last returned to me. What better way to celebrate another year older and wiser then with returned happiness from one’s youth? Thank you Rimly.

  5. Jim Brandano says:

    Jenni a very honest, raw honesty, blog. I applaud your bravery in writing it your allowing people into a very private part of your life, not many will/can do that. As sad as it started by the end it was full of promise and light!!! Congratulations for seeing the good in you and your life!!!! I stumbled it..other’s should read this!!!

    http://jpweddingphotograpy.blogspot.com/

  6. Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A. says:

    Great post.
    What made it greater still was that you took the time to reflect upon what matters to you, to determine what your goals were – and that they were achieved.
    May this birthday- and anniversary- bring to you renewed zeal and zest. Don’t let someone else change your aura.

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Roy. With all the thoughts our brains hold it can feel so overwhelming when faced with a personal challenge such as the one I overcame this year. I didn’t even have to talk myself into anything it just happened naturally and that was a huge accomplishment for me as well. My birthday/anniversary was good, no tears were shed and even though it didn’t change, I did and it was enough to truly enjoy it.

  7. Alpana Jaiswal says:

    Brilliant Jenni…as I have always said,u are a fighter and you will succeed. Life may be bad and the past may seem like a thorn pricking u…just carry on…Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Alpana. One thing I know for certain is there will always be a roadblock in the form of a human, unfortunately for them I’ve become an expert at hurdling mountains so what could a person do to stop me from reaching my ultimate goal? The only person that could stop me now is myself and she isn’t ready to give up. Yup great song lyrics and so true, hate always gets met with love on my end.

  8. sancheeta biswas says:

    you know Jenni, why i love you so much? i get all the positive vibes when i read your posts where you describe your journey. at last it always turns out to be a learning experience for me……… how to love life holding on to your patience to manage the unorganized. the trust in own’s ability to make life beautiful, is what i have learnt from you. keep exploring this way. cheers ! to the positive vibes.

  9. melissa says:

    I applaud you for your sincerity… this is a good explanation for the poem you’ve made. Rereading it, I finally entered into the mood you set in there.

    I am glad you celebrated yourself this time 🙂 I am very happy for you! You are truly worth it Jenni :*

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLA!

    • InJensMind says:

      Anytime I write something as controversial and depressing as Nobody’s Birthday, I always have a backup story explaining why I feel the way I do. There is always something up my sleeve so to speak. Thank you Melissa, glad you grasp my reasoning on the poem now.

    • InJensMind says:

      I look forward to telling my future adventures as well as the gems I still have not told from my past. Thank you for joining me on my life journey in ink. 😀

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Jan, it is indeed a wonderful feeling. Makes me feel like I should be singing… Oh what a beautiful morning oh what a beautiful day I’ve got a beautiful feeling everything’s going my way. 😀

  10. Mari Sterling Wilbur says:

    Great post! I finally learned to love myself and not let others upset me over holidays about 15 years ago. My sister gave me a great idea and now I do as she does. I buy all my own gifts for all holidays and bill them to my hubby. It’s not that he doesn’t love me. Each time I’ve had surgery he’s nursed me back to health like you wouldn’t believe and even cried on several occasions when I was really ill. But holidays mean nothing to him because they mean nothing in his family. He’s perfectly willing to pay for my lovely jewelry, and, have I accumulated some great stuff over the past 15 years. 😀

    • InJensMind says:

      You see my hubby is like that too. Gives me money and says “go get something” It’s not that I don’t appreciate it but, it gets old having to pick out my gift, wrap it then act surprised for the kids sake. The best Christmas I remember was when he waited til WalGreen’s was the only store open on Christmas Eve and picked me up shampoo and perfume and a bottle of Tequila. It meant so much because he did it by himself. It’s ok I will just take the money now and be like wow wooo hooo damn somebody sure loves me lol. Thank you Mari.

Stand upright, speak thy thoughts, declare The truth thou hast, that all may share; Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare. -Voltaire

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