I had a dream, that all men and women lived without fear. But, alas it was a figment of my imagination because I am Oneirophobic (fearful of dreams or dreaming).
I am an insomniac because I am scared to sleep (Somniophobia) because I know what is coming…dreams. Hi, my name is Jen and I am a Phobic.
Dreams don’t allow me to feel refreshed, they don’t allow me to have inner peace, and they keep me in a heightened state of confusion, worry, and paranoia.
I have never been a person who could sleep at the drop of a hat. I lay awake staring at the night sky. Technically, I lay awake watching the sun come up and when the rest of the world is beginning their day I am ending mine or wishing it would end.
Many people on the planet are this way. Most of my family is this way; the term for us is “night owls.” Although, I can’t begin to understand why the hell you need to say night, everyone knows owls are nocturnal. But, what can you do? The world isn’t exactly brimming with the most intelligent of catch-phrases, is it?
When I finally fall asleep at night or early morning, I dream. We all dream, I don’t usually remember my dreams. It’s actually quite common for people not to remember what they have dreamt about. Dream experts say it is because of sleep apnea and the stages of sleep that make some of us skip REM sleep. REM sleep is the deep sleep/dream phase.
I haven’t seen a sleep expert or a dream expert for that matter. I, in my own right, am an expert about my own sleeping and dreaming patterns though. I believe my lack of remembering dreams stems from my personal experience with premonitions at an early age and my ability to remember my past life. Not exactly my past life per se but, my past death. I drowned, it was traumatic. It is the catalyst for my fear of water (Aquaphobia).
I was 4 years old when I would have recurring nightmares. I would wake up screaming every single night. Later in life I found out they were premonitions and past memories. Pretty scary for a child if you ask me.
This may sound odd to some of you and a few of you may get exactly where I am coming from. Dreams not only allow you to fantasize and see the future or past; they allow you to work out the deeper struggle between your mind and your heart. I have conflict going on in my everyday life! Then again, who doesn’t?
Those deeper struggles have me caught between reality and paranoid delusion. Frightening, isn’t it? I know that there is no logical reason to be scared but, try explaining that to the panic-induced anxiety attacks I end up having when I see a spider. (Arachnophobia) Try sitting in a room with me as I am curled up in the fetal position on my couch sobbing like an infant, shaking intensely, and gasping for air and words. Better yet try understanding why it is that I became afraid of them in the first place. I truly don’t know when it happened, it just appeared one day out of nowhere; much like those creepy buggers do.
All of these phobias I carry with me all stem from the same place; my vivid imagination and my non-stop worrying that something bad is going to happen and I won’t be able to protect myself or my children. You know, like when you dream someone is chasing you and you can’t run or scream? I am terrified of water but, I can swim. I learned late in life but, I did learn. I am scared that one of the kids will drown because I won’t be able to save them, that I will somehow forget how to keep my own head above water. You see… paranoid and vivid imagination. I suffer from premature worry, which is most likely the reason I have been going grey since I was 19 years old.
It doesn’t stop there though. My fear of heights (Acrophobia) or rather my fear of falling; (Batophobia) is also something that came out of nowhere. I was a young girl and my mom took us to Hurley Hospital in Flint for the 4th of July, where her friend worked. We went up to the roof to watch the fireworks; my little sister and brother were with us. I freaked out the entire time because I was petrified one of them would fall. I stood in the middle of the roof refusing to move until it was time to leave; you could say I was paralyzed. In all honesty, if one of my siblings had gone too near the edge, instinct and adrenaline would have kicked in. But, try telling that to my paranoia.
I get dizzy in high places or on stairs where you can see the basement or ground below. I am well aware of the height, I immediately begin losing it.I have fallen down many stairs in my life and broken many toes, yet I am not scared of the stairs (Climacophobia) just the height and the falling.
I believe motion sickness to be a huge part of my fear of heights. I know motion sickness is not a phobia but, fear of motion is (Kinesophobia). I have had terrifying moments because of the motion sickness though.
As a young child, before we knew I had motion sickness I was on a merry-go-round. The children who were all older than me decided to spin it super fast. I had been wrapped up in a towel because my father had taken me to the beach. Next thing you know I woke up on the ground with my dad standing over me, helping me up. I had gotten so dizzy I let go and flew off the merry-go-round. The inconsiderate children just kept running and spinning, stepping on me as they passed. Turned out, dad too has motion sickness and now we knew I had to stay off of twirling/spinny things.
It took a matter of minutes to find out I would have to abandon a swing because I would start to feel ill. I also had a very difficult time riding in cars because I was likely to vomit if the trip was too long. So then, I became scared of vomiting (Emetophobia) because vomiting is one of the most embarrassing things that you can do in public; besides soiling yourself, that is. At least I didn’t turn Amaxophobic (fearful of riding in cars).
I never thought of myself as a scaredy cat but, as you can see I am scared of many things that cause me great anguish and sleepless nights. Why? All because I worry prematurely and had children, guess that means I am afraid of being a bad parent.
What are you scared of? How do you handle the fear? Is it a panic inducing phobia or just a paranoid worry?