#BlogTagYouAreIt ‘Sometimes I Wish…’

One of the blogging groups I am in is having a blog hop, we are calling it “Blog Tag…You’re It.” For those of you who don’t know what a blog hop is, let me explain. It is several different bloggers blogging on their own blog all about the same topic but done in their own unique ways. Phew! Say that 3 times fast. LOL This specific hop will feature 28 bloggers from around the globe. The essence of what World Wide Web stands for if you ask me. We each will have our own day to post about the topic ‘Sometimes I Wish…’ During this time, one blogger thanks the previous blogger for the introduction to their post and then writes a mini introduction for the blogger who follows them.

So here goes…

A very big thank you to Brenda, who writes at Passionate Pusuits. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you and sharing the  blogosphere world with you. Here’s to many more blog hops, posts, and getting to know a variety of bloggers inside and outside the group. You can click here to see her blog hop post on this subject.

Now for the introduction I am to give for our next blogger in line:

Say hello to Sili, who writes at My Mamihood. She writes about her life and the non-stop misadventures of her “Frog Princess”, which is the adorable nickname she uses for her young daughter.

Please take some time (after finishing my post of course) to visit both of these ladies.

Sometimes I Wish…

For somebody, aka me, to publicly acknowledge my wishes, I would first have to believe in them. But, I don’t believe in wishes or wishing for that matter. However, I did…once; a very long time ago when I was an impressionable youngster, back before I knew any better, back before the reality of what my life was hit me like a ton of bricks. It was during a time when wishes and dreams were what young children would thrive on, that is, until they realized either as teenagers or adults that wishes just don’t come true, no matter how much you wish on them or pray for them, beg, scream, plead, cry, or fuss about them, no matter how many times the people at Disney tell you they do… They just don’t come true!

I was approximately 5-years-old when I would lay in bed and stare at the night sky, wishing on the bright stars that illuminated my room. I was just as much a raging insomniac back then as I am now. (No doubt due to the volatile lifestyle I lived from a super-young age.) I even tossed several wishes to the man in the moon for good measure, then patiently awaited the entire night for somebody/anybody to magically swoop in and rescue me. I have yet to stop staring at the night sky (or learned how to fall asleep when the rest of the world does) but, I have stopped sending wishes out there, and I have most certainly stopped waiting for someone to ride in on their white horse and rescue me.

  • I wish my daddy and mommy didn’t fight so much.
  • I wish my daddy loved me.
  • I wish that “they” hadn’t touched me like that.
  • I wish those touching’s would stop happening.
  • I wish I could stay out of the principal’s office for fighting.
  • I wish people would just leave me alone.
  • I wish people would stop touching me. Why do they keep touching me?
  • I wish my mommy would come and pick me up more often.
  • I wish I could play outside with the other kids and not have to be in bed while the sun is still out.
  • I wish I didn’t have to sit in the corner so long every day.
  • I wish my step-mom loved me.
  • I wish I wasn’t hated so much by my daddy and step-mom.
  • I wish my mommy hadn’t moved so far away. Does she hate me now too?
  • I wish I didn’t have to sit behind furniture when we visited with family and friends.
  • I wish I could play with my cousins.
  • I wish my grandma didn’t get drunk and push my grandfather into the bookcase.
  • I wish my daddy didn’t get drunk and pass out in the truck.
  • I wish I didn’t know about alcoholism and its effects.
  • I wish my step-mom didn’t take out her insecurities about my mommy on me.
  • I wish my daddy would stop talking bad about my mommy.
  • I wish my step-mom didn’t talk badly about my mommy.
  • I wish I wasn’t talked about badly to my face.
  • I wish I could be loved like my little sister.
  • I wish my daddy didn’t move us so far away when my mommy moved back to town.
  • I wish I could see my baby brother every day.
  • I wish I didn’t have to see a school counselor for “my problems.”
  • I wish my step-mom didn’t take away things my mommy and grandma bought for me.
  • I wish I didn’t cry so hard every time I came back home to my daddy’s house.
  • I wish I didn’t get punished for vomiting after I cried so hard.
  • I wish I didn’t know what soap tastes like.
  • I wish my daddy and step-mom didn’t use a thick wooden paddle with holes drilled in it on me.
  • I wish I could sit down.
  • I wish I didn’t have to show the friend of the court my butt and all the still purple welts that hadn’t yet gone away after several weeks.
  • I wish somebody would help me.
  • I wish somebody would listen.
  • I wish the counselor would stop asking other types of social workers, guidance people, therapists, and groups to talk to me. Every time they give me a card or tell me how my life should be I am punished more severely.
  • I wish my school counselor didn’t call my step-mom and tell her everything I had confided in her.
  • I wish I didn’t get punished so much.
  • I wish I could go to friends’ houses and not always be grounded.
  • I wish I had friends who I could talk to.
  • I wish my “big sisters” in the sister program would do more with me.
  • I wish my “big sister” didn’t move away.
  • I wish I didn’t cry myself to sleep every night.
  • I wish I could fall asleep.
  • I wish I could stay asleep.
  • I wish I didn’t hear and see things in the dark.
  • I wish I wasn’t called crazy for seeing dead people.
  • I wish my step-mom didn’t force me to stand in a red ant hill while she yelled at me.
  • I wish the pain would go away.
  • I wish my grandfather who protected me as best as he could didn’t die.
  • I wish I died.
  • I wish I didn’t know what pain is.
  • I wish I didn’t bleed all over my clothes.
  • I wish my belongings didn’t get take away.
  • I wish someone would stand up for me.
  • I wish someone would save me.
  • I wish my sister would stop doing things that I get punished for.
  • I wish I didn’t have to come home.
  • I wish I didn’t go to school.
  • I wish I didn’t live in a small town.
  • I wish people would understand me.
  • I wish they’d all stop making fun of me.
  • I wish I could have long hair.
  • I wish I could wear new girl’s clothes.
  • I wish I wasn’t such a disappointment.
  • I wish I knew what I did wrong.
  • I wish I knew why I was born.
  • I wish I were never born.
  • I wish my mommy would come and pick us up on her weeks.
  • I wish my daddy didn’t tell me he doesn’t think I am his.
  • I wish he’d stop throwing things at my head.
  • I wish he’d stop hitting me.
  • I wish they’d stop touching me.
  • I wish I could get out of here.
  • I wish I had somewhere to go.
  • I wish someone would see the truth.
  • I wish they’d stop lying and calling me the liar.
  • I wish I wasn’t “a good for nothing whore, like your mother.”
  • I wish I knew what a whore was.
  • I wish they’d stop humiliating me.
  • I wish they’d stop degrading me.
  • I wish they’d stop strip searching me.
  • I WISH THEY’D STOP TOUCHING ME!
  • I wish I had money.
  • I wish my money from my job would be mine.
  • I wish I didn’t have to drive such an ugly car.
  • I wish I could drive when I wanted to.
  • I wish I didn’t have to go to the vocational school they chose.
  • I wish I didn’t have to be what they wanted.
  • I wish I knew how to make it all stop.
  • I wish my mind could rest.
  • I wish I could concentrate.
  • I wish I wasn’t scared.
  • I wish there was an end in sight.
  • I wish I had a better life.
  • I wish I could run away and never come back.
  • I wish they’d just finish me off and kill me once and for all already.
  • I wish someone else would stand up for me besides just me alone.
  • I wish they’d stop pretending that they are good and decent people.
  • I wish I didn’t have to send mean letters to my mom on behalf of my daddy and step-mom’s feelings.
  • I wish I didn’t have to have someone read my letters before I could read them.
  • I wish I didn’t have to start another diary again and again and again because my step-mom reads it and can’t face the truth so she takes it away and rips them up.
  • I wish I didn’t have gifts other people gave me taken away and given to my sister or thrown away.
  • I wish I didn’t have to be responsible.
  • I wish I didn’t have to be the oldest.
  • I wish my daddy didn’t spank me so hard that I flew from the living room into the kitchen.
  • I wish I could be a child.
  • I wish I didn’t have to stand in the corner for hours on end with my arms straight in the air.
  • I wish I knew how to get to my mommy’s house when daddy yelled and told me “if you want your mother walk to her house.”
  • I wish I didn’t get left on the front porch in the trailer park at 5 years old all by myself while my daddy and step-mom and sister went to visit with friends, because I didn’t know the way to mommy’s house.
  • I wish I could remember what my real name is. I haven’t heard it in so long.
  • I wish my life wasn’t so dysfunctional.
  • I wish there were no more secrets.
  • I wish I knew what love is.
  • I wish I knew what it feels like to be unconditionally loved.
  • I wish I were someone else, anyone but me.
  • I wish I could forget.
  • I wish I wasn’t permanently scarred and disfigured.
  • I wish I didn’t torture myself as much as they torture me.
  • I wish they’d stop forcing me to kiss and hug them good night and stop forcing me to tell them I love them after everything they did that day.
  • I wish I could stop hurting.
  • I wish there was a God.
  • I wish I didn’t live in Hell.
  • I wish someone could see what is happening.
  • I wish I could have chosen to give away my virginity.
  • I wish an apology was enough.
  • I wish I wasn’t “troubled.”
  • I wish I could stop crying.
  • I wish I could forgive.
  • I wish I understood why they say they forgive but keep bringing old things up.
  • I wish they’d get a different punching bag.
  • I wish it would end.
  • I wish I were intelligent.
  • I wish those who weren’t there would stop acting like they know.
  • I wish I could forget as easily as they all do.
  • I wish they didn’t control me.
  • I wish I could be me.
  • I wish being myself was enough.
  • I wish I were free.
  • I wish… I wish… I wish… I wish… I wish… I wish…
  • I wish I didn’t need to wish anymore…

14 years’ worth of child wishes and countless more things that had been wished and were never fulfilled, never answered, never my salvation. Star wishes, birthday wishes, prayers to God, pleas to anyone who had the power to do something… all fell on deaf ears and ignored by blind eyes.  A child who wished for death because it was the only way that she knew of, that would make it all end. A child who cut her wrists at 12-years-old because she didn’t know how she was going to go on after the death of her grandfather, her rock, her only love. The only one who could see the truth, her truth. A child who clearly grew up long before a child should ever have to.

It would be another 16 years after her 14 year sentence in Hell, before that child/adult would figure out that making wishes, dreaming, praying, and asking for help were all an enormous waste of her  time. One thing she had learned all to well, was that nobody could undo what had been done and even if they could nobody would be willing to switch places with her and take on what she had.

Those 16 additional years they had stolen from her, enslaving her within her own mind. When she wasn’t trying to shield herself and her children from their newest ongoing attacks via telephone, she was visualizing moment after moment in her head, replaying them in her dreams, like a never-ending horror movie, secretly hoping for a different ending, a happy ending. Trying to fill in the cracks whilst new ones were continuously added. Attempting to raise her two children differently than she had been raised, giving them everything she never had. Protecting her children from the vicious spiteful words that the so-called family were trying to pass down to them as if it were the family Bible. Hoping that the man she married who held a strong character resemblance to her father, would not pick up where her father and step-mom left off and continue to violate her tortured and nearly broken spirit. Several times in her life, wishes could have been the way to go, but her mind was so infected by the past she didn’t even consider wishing for her children not to suffer along with their mother. (Or a million other things that the Universe relentlessly pummeled her and her children with.) It never even entered her mind, not because she didn’t believe in wishes anymore (which she didn’t) but, because she was fighting a life vs. death battle inside. Deep inside herself, where there was only going to be one survivor and one alone. Would she come out alive and capable of being a competent mother, wife, human being? Or would she remain trapped inside herself, waiting for that final blow that would finish her off for good?

Then surprisingly without any warning whatsoever, the inconceivable happened and she lost her younger sister to cancer. She was no stranger to death or to cancer for that matter but, losing her sister suddenly did something that no other death could do. It was at that precise moment when the prison door she had been locked behind for most of her life, swung wide open and she walked out of the solitary confinement where she had awaited her death sentence. A light as bright and warm as the sun encased her and she was finally free…free of them, their actions, their words, their evilness, their lies, their prejudices. But wait… she was the one who had allowed them to torture her for over 30 years, even though they had not been a part of her physical life in more than half that time. They only had power over her because she allowed them to have it and use it as they wished. She had allowed the past to be her focus, which held her stagnant in a place where she couldn’t move towards the future let alone appreciate the now. So, she took back the control and freed herself; she freed her past, she freed her mind, she freed her spirit, she freed her future, and she flew away freely with the knowledge and tools that would never allow her to be imprisoned by anyone ever again!

✓ “I wish it would end.”

✓ “I wish I was intelligent.”

✓ “I wish they didn’t control me.”

✓ “I wish I could be me.”

✓ “I wish being myself was enough.”

✓ “I wish I were free.”

✓ “I wish I didn’t need to wish anymore…”

So ok… maybe some times wishes do come true. However, simply wishing for something to happen isn’t going to make it happen. Time, actions, and choices make things happen not the “magical powers” of the wish itself. I don’t need to wish anymore because I’m living in the present. I don’t want to change my past, for if my wishes had come true at that precise moment that I had wished them I wouldn’t be who I am today. I don’t know about you but, I like the person I am today, and I know I will continue to like me even more as time goes by. Something that the young me couldn’t, wouldn’t, and didn’t do.  So thank you for rejecting my wishes so I could be a strong fighter and survivor, outspoken and an activist, a better person than I or anyone else could have dreamed of. Thank you for allowing me to find my path in my own time that ultimately broke the cycle of abuse, violence, alcoholism, blame, inability to grow or move forward, and neglect that plagued my entire family for generations upon generations. Thank you for teaching me lessons that can never be unlearned. All of which allowed me to be here right now telling  showing you… becoming the living proof that anyone can overcome their past and transform into something more than they could have imagined. Wishing is short-sighted, if your wishes came true you wouldn’t learn anything. You wouldn’t be able to keep the knowledge you were taught. You wouldn’t have lived fully. You wouldn’t be able to grow and you most certainly wouldn’t be free. So give your life the time, chance, and education that it needs to grow into something miraculous.

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27 thoughts on “#BlogTagYouAreIt ‘Sometimes I Wish…’

  1. Patricia Eastwood says:

    This has been a gripping read … rather like a game of “Pass the parcel” … each time the music stopped, I unpeeled another layer of paper to find yet another layer inside … often with a different pattern printed on it, but nevertheless needing to be examined and absorbed before the music stopped again.
    Near the end, the wrappings started to glitter and gleam with hope until, al last, I reached the pure glowing heart of the package.
    Thank you for this wonderful gift of your life and your heart and your soul … I shall cherish it for a long time and visit it in my memory, often.
    With respect, Pat.

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Patricia for stopping by, reading, and commenting. Your words mean a lot to me. All I have ever wanted to do in my life was help others avoid the pain that I have gone through. It seems that this post, although can’t prevent the pain that is there already, can help heal it so the person reading (such as yourself and many others) can move on and live a healthier, happier life for themselves. xoxo

  2. Martha Orlando says:

    Jenni, this is the most powerful, heart-rending post I’ve ever read from you. You had me in tears, but you left me with hope. Hope for all who dwell in the past, but who can set themselves free from that prison and live the life they were destined to.
    You are one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. I pray your courage and your forthrightness is contagious. So many need your words of encouragement, of hope, of truth.
    Blessings, my dear, and thank you for your honesty always.

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Martha. This post was very healing to me. Whilst writing my childhood wishes I was in tears and my heart and soul ached terribly. By the time I got to editing and finally publishing the tears had diminished. I appreciate your words very much. As they say, “The truth shall set you free,” and indeed it has. xoxo

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Ray for dropping by.Sadness can be a great motivator or it can be a great deterrent. .I don’t want anyone to feel sad or bad for me, I just want them to know that if I can break free of my past anyone can follow suit and free themselves as well. xoxo

  3. Dangerous Linda says:

    Dear Jenni,

    My tears made it difficult to get through your list of childhood ‘wishes’. I was feeling almost desperate as I read through the next paragraph. Until I reached the part where your sister died. That event falls into the category “The Lord works in mysterious ways!” You shine in the end and I’m so grateful! Thank you for sharing your powerful story! Thank you for all that you are! XOXOXO

    • InJensMind says:

      I’m sorry for that. Imagine how difficult it was for me to write it or live it for that matter. It came down to accepting responsibility for what I allowed to continue to happen to me. Losing my sister was the worst thing I ever had to go through. And in that time I lost more than just her, many “others” were also lost. But, at the same time, I was found. In that, I must speak out and help find other lost souls. It’s obviously what I am meant to do. xoxo

  4. Suzy says:

    All things happen for a reason and in Divine timing. When things we wish for don’t happen then it’s because it’s not in our best interests for it to happen. there are many things I’ve wished for that didn’t happen and later I’m glad it didn’t. I love the way you ended this positively. Sending you love and light and many hugs.

  5. Privy Trifles says:

    Jenni… this is really touching and soul stirring post I have read in a long time. I could not go complete reading your post as tears welled up in my eyes every time I reached your childhood wish list. I have read somewhere that everything happens for a reason and that God is doing it for our own good. But the little child in me still wants to scream and ask WHY? What did we do to deserve to see such things at such a tender age and lose something as beautiful and precious as our childhood?

    The most beautiful aspect of your post was the hope that you spread through your words towards the end dear…. I loved that hope and yes that is the only thing which keeps us going on and on facing everything that comes our way with a smile.

    Take care..sending loads of love and hugs ❤

  6. Sili says:

    I just want to reach out over cyberspace to hug you. It takes a lot of courage to share this. Thank you for having the strength to do so.

    While I don’t believe that God put you in that situation for some greater outcome, I do believe that He will use the unspeakable that was done to you and turn it into something good. I believe this is part of the reason why you write, because it helps others in their journey. Does that make sense?

    Even with that said though, found it difficult to read this without experiencing hurt and anger and the need to protect that child. It is my wish for you that you take your experiences and by showing them to us, help others along their own path. Sending you healing thoughts and prayers.

    oxoxox

  7. Ravenmyth says:

    Jen…this was heartbreaking to read. No child could ever understand the hurdles that life was throwing their way. There are no words stringent to define the childhood you lived and how it impacted you on so many levels as an adult. The fact that you chose to do things differently with your own children is a Miracle…the fact that you came to the conclusion that who you are today is not defined by your past…or by those that imprisoned you in their own hell for half of your life.

    You chose to define who you were…releasing all that no longer served your Spirit…and beginning to embrace all that is YOU.

    YOU RECAPTURED YOUR SOUL..NO LONGER ALLOWING IT TO BE AN EXTENSION OF ANOTHER’S DEFINITION OF WHO AND WHAT YOU SHOULD BE..

    You are the Phoenix Rising from the ashes….becoming this amazing strong Mother and Woman called Jen….miraculously giving Love when no one even taught you what it was or what it felt like. That is the Miracle of who you are…One who can now go forth and Heal from Experience…

    You are a gift to us all…..always…

  8. luchismiles says:

    Your post broke my heart yesterday, so I have avoided reading again today. I just want to say this: You are far much better than those people who hurt you or make you feel less than what you are. I’m glad you are no longer letting anyone make you feel unworthy. You are a Beautiful Shiny Star. Blessings and Love ♥

  9. Susan Deborah says:

    I wrote a comment yesterday and I don’t find it here. So here I am at it again. First off, tight hugs across ether. When I read all the wishes of your formative years, I was shattered and close to tears but as the post went on, I realised what a fighter you are. I am proud that you are honest with your life and have allowed miracles to happen with the experience of the past. You are a trail-blazer and I look up to you. Thanks for enabling me to gain strength and courage. The reading of this post was meant to be. Perhaps that’s why the comment was not there. A new comment is what was ought to happen.

    Love.

    Joy always,
    Susan

  10. Bongo says:

    Jen, I felt the pain tugging at my heart,… we have so much in common..and you are on of the ones I know understand.. there’s on difference .. you are an inspiration… brave and courageous .. you came out the other side not only a surviver but a thriver … I love you.. As always…XOXOXOXOX

  11. Margaret Waage says:

    Deep thoughts about when bad things happen- making it hard to find joy.There is goodness in life, in others and in you, which you know. Wisdom comes to you from hard knocks – the core of life seeks hope. Hold tight onto the good and be ready to recognize it!

  12. Corinne Rodrigues says:

    Jenni – I keep coming back to your post and not commenting….the list of wishes you made as a child move me very deeply. I want to visit your childhood with you and make it all better – but I know I can’t and we can’t wish that away. What I admire is the inner strength you have that helped you to pull yourself out of this, get an education and make sure that your children never have to face the pain you went through. You have my highest respect, Jenni. ♥♥♥

  13. janu says:

    Sorry I took my time coming over to your blog.
    This is a very moving post Jenni. I feel sorry for all that you had to go through as a child.
    But am happy that you were able to free from all that imprisoned you.
    You are a strong woman and an inspiration to all. I mean it.
    <3<3

  14. Amy @mommetime says:

    wow… that was intense! I think I just took my first breath after starting to read; I’ll be honest, I had to ‘force’ myself to read, I hurt for that little girl. Thank goodness you were able to find ‘it’ within you to find hope for different. I agree with Corinne…

  15. Kim says:

    Jen, this is the first post of yours I have read. I felt everything you wrote, deeply. I lived a lot of what you have shared, but cannot picture ever being able to share it the way you just did. I had those wishes too. How enlightening it is when we realize that we can release ourselves from the prison that others put us into. You have much to offer the world young lady, and it seems to me that this is just the beginning. Your writing- so deep, concise and riveting, wow! Many blessings to you- Kim

  16. Mary Hudak-Collins says:

    Jen, first off, let me tell you that I love the look of your site 🙂 Secondly, thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and wishes. I truly believe that anyone who experiences the situation that you have would lose faith in everything. But, it sounds as though something so very tragic as the loss of your sister has freed your chains. There have been so many prayers that I thought went un-answered, but when in truth…the answers were there all along…I just didn’t want to listen. Why do children have to experience pain at the hands of an abuser? I don’t know why, but I do know that many of those children grow up to do wonderful and great things in their lives, just as you have. You may not see what an advocate you have been, but you are a true leader and your past makes you strong. I think that strength is something that we have that others lack in their lives. Thank you for sharing this post ♥♥♥

  17. tumultuousjourney says:

    It was one of the most difficult posts in the hop for me to read, yet one of the best. I can relate so much to this and your inspiration has lit up the world for me in many ways. Thank you for bearing your heart and believing in yourself. I have read this several times and didn’t quite know what to comment. I will say Thank you for it all. Love to you.

  18. Melissa Tandoc says:

    It’s the first time I truly read your wishes and yes, it is the most unique ones I’ve heard… but the wish you kept repeating was something I wished for myself too when I was younger.

    I have read several of your earlier posts and your experiences gave a strong character. It makes me less of a judge and this post has opened up many things inside me too.

    I am hugging you… and truly loving you for who you are.

Stand upright, speak thy thoughts, declare The truth thou hast, that all may share; Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare. -Voltaire

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