Changing Expectations

expectationIt has been a long while since I have posted on my blog, 8 months to be precise. When I chose to take a hiatus from writing, I had a few good reasons. Ok, I had a few horrible excuses.

One of those horrible excuses being… I was distraught. I was disappointed by all the work I had put in to my writing and not scoring a job. What did I expect? A job…with money coming in…paid bills…recognition. It is what every writer expects.

As the months went by and my life took every single U-turn, side road, and dark dirty alley that it could find. I found out several things about myself and other people. I never imagined that I had high expectations. Hell, compared to most people I’ve ever known in my life; my expectations were damn near invisible. But, there they were, in their obnoxiously repugnant glory.

I expected friends to be friends. Friends like I am with people. It never occurred to me that some people have a different view and belief about the meaning of friendship. Facebook taught me that many people don’t even consider strangers to be their friends. That was an alien concept to me. Because a friend can be anyone, and some of the bestest friends you may ever have will turn out to be that unlikely one. The person that you didn’t even think you needed, the shy one in the corner with an occasional glimmer of fun times and tomfoolery. The one who picks you up so you both can stalk their ex in low-cut tops at a bar while he is on a date with some insignificant hussie… YES>>>that one!People

Friends are friends are friends. Until they aren’t…and trust me, lately, I’ve found that many that I thought were…weren’t! The reasons given for breaking a long-standing friendship were asinine, to say the least. Well they were to me anyway. Because, as I said, friends are friends are friends. They are similar to a marriage, without all the fighting. Nothing can get between two friends…or so I believed. But, as with many things in my life…I got educated quickly and painfully on the subject of true friendship.

It seems to me, that when I was a lowly nobody…let me clarify that. When I believed that I was a lowly nobody, I had friends that stuck beside me no matter what. However, when I started believing that I was somebody and even worse, when I began telling them that they are somebody and could do better…well, that was the end of that friendship. This happened repeatedly. Something was clearly wrong here.

The thing about changing, growing, and becoming a better human being, is that it is a lonely road… it is a path that one can only travel alone. You cannot take anyone with you, even though you desperately want to. People cannot be forced into changing. No matter how much you shove your opinion down their throat…I am guilty of that. No matter how many inspirational/motivational photos you share on Facebook…I have done that. No matter how much you try to make them see that the only people who can make them happy are themselves. No matter the extent in which you try to convince them that they are hurting themselves and everyone around them as well. No…you cannot force anyone into changing!

But…I could change me, and I did. I changed how I viewed friends and how to distinguish between real and fake friends. I changed how I allowed others in my life…positive in, negative out. However, the most important change was about expectations. I didn’t lower them and I surely didn’t raise them. I got rid of them entirely. Expecting others to be someone they weren’t or in most cases, couldn’t be was what I had bitched about them doing to me. They were expecting me to shut the hell up and I was expecting them to speak up. They were expecting me to stay the same and I was expecting them to grow up. It was becoming a vicious cycle of why can’t you be more like me and less like you. What the hell? Who had I let myself become?!

I was always angry, sad, depressed, and worried because of the expectations that I had of other people. All of which had nothing to do with me really and everything to do with them. I wanted them to change and become people of their word. They weren’t that. They couldn’t be that. It was an alien concept to them. If only I had let them be who they are.

But, in that lies the problem. Not everyone is supposed to stay in your life. It is just not possible to keep people in your life who no longer mesh with you. I am not saying they ALL have to mesh, that would be boring and nobody could grow that way. However, some people are just too low on the rung of the ladder of life to notice anymore. Not that I am calling them lowly nobodies…because I’m not. I am just saying as you make your climb up the ladder you do not keep looking down and expect to keep going up. You would fall off the ladder and then where would you be? At the bottom, on your back, looking at where you use to be and having to work even harder to get a portion of the way back up there. Nobody wants to fall off the ladder of life…NOBODY!

So release your expectations of other people. Let them be who they are and you be who you are… And if it’s bad for your well-being, then stop looking down the ladder and let them “fall” out of view. You will be happier and they will be happier, the universe will once again be in balance.Happiness

11 thoughts on “Changing Expectations

  1. Martha Orlando says:

    Jenni, this is one heartfelt and honest post. You have such a gift for writing, my friend, and I, for one, am so glad you are blogging again. I’ve truly missed you!

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you Martha. I am so appreciative of your friendship and of the compliment. I hope I continue writing. I’m sure I will, just need to find the next topic that sets my soul ablaze. 🙂

  2. Dangerous Linda says:

    Hi, Jenni! ~

    Longtime no see, Gurlfriend! Wonderful to reconnect.

    I agree with you wholeheartedly that expectations are poison to relationships. That’s why my #1 relationship rule is: Everybody gets to be themselves. And each time I see who they present themselves to be I get to decide if I want to continue playing with them or not based on the reality of that.

    Your post reminds me a lot of my current post, too. Just like the old days — Welcome back to blogging 😉

    • InJensMind says:

      Thank you for visiting Linda. It is great to reconnect, while writing this I remembered why I loved to write and how much I missed it.

      I can appreciate your take on relationships, I have found that I have less tolerance for some people and I couldn’t possibly have them in my life without speaking to them with anger and sarcasm. That is exceptionally toxic to me and therefore they must go. I’m just not a blow smoke up your ass kind of person and I never will be. LOL

      Great writers think alike. Being in blogging groups showed me that. We tend to be like a family full of girls with our periods syncing every month. LMAO I mean that in a funny way but, I’m sure you understand what I mean. 🙂

  3. Alannah says:

    I recently yelled at a very best friend of mine because I placed too much expectations on her and now things are uber awkward between us…sometimes I wished I had kept my big mouth shut, but in the heat of the moment I just couldn’t stand what I was feeling…so now I think I lost her for good.


  4. Brenda Moguez (@BrendaMoguez) says:

    Welcome back. I’ve missed reading your words. Honest is what comes to mind. Friendship and expectations are dicey even in the best of circumstances. I am one of those who believe in kindred connections, which means I can sometimes get my heart broken. What can you do? All I do agree – let people be who they were meant to be.

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