NaPoWriMo Day:10 Three Little Letters

Three little letters
Proceeded to stalk me
Everywhere I went
Identical three little letters

Nonessential
Minute little letters
Commanding
Heart-clenching

Woeful
Unbearable
Mighty frightening
Modest little letters

Three little letters
Proceeded to mock me
Everywhere I went
Identical three little letters

Influential
Permute little letters
Demanding
Gut-wrenching

Soulful
Terrible
Jolt of lightening
Honest little letters

Those three little letters
Have struck again
And ravaged me

Those dreadful
Shocking
Appalling
little letters

R.
I.
P.

If you visit no other blogs today please visit Sensitivity. The world has lost a tremendous poetic talent and someone that I will miss terribly. May you R.I.P. that which you did not have in life.

Don’t forget to visit, share, and comment on these following poets pages as well:

Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World
Lyric Fire
AscendingTheHills
142 Books
Sulekha Rawat: Memoirs

To create…
memoirs of a homemaker
One Time Pad
Thoughts Of Beauty In The Stillness Of Dawn…
EllieBloo
Chris Galvin 

Jessica’s Sonnet

At long last… I finished my Sonnet homework last week and can now share it with you all. Hope you enjoy it, it took me 3 hours but, I am content with the outcome.

 

I must not grieve thee nor shed a lone tear
I must proceed as if I do not care
For weeping makes losing you worse my dear
Agonizing memories I cannot bear
Every dewy teardrop that escapes me
Burns my flesh like the fiery depths of hell
I must not succumb to sorrow of thee
For I shall be reminded of our farewell
But, weeping cleanses the grief-stricken soul
Easing each previous moment of pain
Allowing the broken to become whole
Sanctioning lovely memories again
Dire sorrow causes me not to cry
But, sans tears for your loss I’d surely die

Evelyn De Morgan- Angel of Death

Google Image

I Can Only Weep

Just when I thought
I could laugh
mouth wide
open
Something smacks me in the face
like a brick
breaking my jaw
I cannot speak
I can only weep
Just when I thought
I was awake
eyes wide
open
Something hits me in the head
like a brick
breaking my brain
I cannot think
I can only weep
Right when I believed
I was alive
moving
on
Something strikes me in the chest
like a knife
piercing my heart
I cannot let go
I can only weep
Weeping Nude by Edvard Munich

Parting Clouds

Yesterday was a day of pain; deep, devouring, why on Earth would I get up pain!!! I lost 2 people on March 29th a year apart. And as strong as I think I am; I am not strong enough to forgive myself for at least one of them. (R.I.P. baby and grandma)

I still blame myself for the miscarriage in 2000; you would think that after this many years I could let it go. I won’t say I am a glutton for punishment; I just want to make sure I do enough “time.” Pain to me can be like jail time, I am imprisoned but, it purely is by my own choice. I don’t want to suffer but, at the same time I believe that you have to remember or repeating the same mistake is inevitable. Does that mean in remembering I have to relive the pain? Well, in my opinion, once you let that pain go, forgetting what happened soon follows. Maybe my own personal judgement in my life is too clouded for me to see clearly.

The day pretty much bummed me out when I first realized what day it was but, as it progressed I got distracted enough to not let it get to me like it usually does. That seems a bit odd to me, distraction is the key to not beating myself up? Does that mean everything I feel and do is boredom driven? That when I have nothing to do I choose to torture myself for the past? I don’t know if I like that, if it is at all true.

Maybe, I have finally realized this year, that I have served my sentence in its entirety plus some. Honestly, I feel relieved that I can finally get through my life and know that I am a good person and don’t need to keep punishing myself for mistakes that I have made. A calm has washed over me knowing that this is the year I have waited forever for. I have spent a lifetime battling the mistakes my parents made, why spend a lifetime in agony for mine. The clouds in my head have parted and I can finally see, I am becoming the person I should have been raised to be.

Our Family’s Gift

It was a few hours after I heard
about the horrendous thing that occurred.
My sister was sick they told her cancer
we waited a week for the real answer.
But on that day instead it was said
her heart had gave out and now she was dead.
On that night my house was cold as the snow
she must of knew I couldn’t let her go.
Her presence filled the room and gave me chills
I couldn’t sleep at all even with pills.
Afraid that she’d come to me in my dream
filling me with pain and making me scream.
I became colder, didn’t sleep that night
she may have been dead but, not out of sight.
My daughter could feel her just like I could
her body had failed but, her soul withstood.
My daughter asked, “Are you here now Aunt Jess?”
her body started moving motioning yes.
My daughter came to me, wondering what to do
I held her tight knowing she was sad too.
For a couple nights she slept in my bed
trying to keep spirits out of her head.
See it’s a gift passed down through our family
communicating with ghosts that other’s can’t see.
It gets quite exhausting, the constant drain
people don’t get it, they think we’re insane.
But, it doesn’t matter, we still live on
and keep sharing our house with souls from beyond.

The Importance of Regular Check-Ups

Article first published as The Importance of Regular Check-Ups on Technorati.

My sister, a 33-year-old mother of four, who had just gave birth six months ago to twin boys, passed away on February 8th of this year. It came as a shock to us.

Jessica wasn’t in bad health, in fact she spent countless hours of her life prior to pregnancy in the gym where she was a personal trainer. When she wasn’t helping someone with their body goals she was obsessively working on her own. The worst of her habits were smoking on and off, not always eating appropriately and not seeing a physician regularly; mostly due to lack of insurance. Continue reading

Live Everyday Like It’s Your Last

Life is short…. How many times a day do we hear those exact words? Our whole lives we are aware that death is inevitable and that one day our time will come but, when it comes, we are not prepared for it.  Is there a way to prepare for the inevitable demise of a loved one? Even when you find out and have time to grieve and to say goodbye,  can you truly prepare?


I have lived through many family losses, I have been to only a couple of funerals, and I have held the hand to someone knowing they will pass but, could not find the words to comfort them or myself. I love you seems to be the only thing I can manage to say before I break into tears and have to walk away, head hung in shame. I have held my dog as the Vet injected her and felt her life fade right in front of my very eyes. We knew she was sick, we knew she wouldn’t get better, we had time to say goodbye but, all I could say to her was “I’m sorry.”


I’m sorry because I failed to take care of her so that she could have a long life. I tear up as I type this,because we are approaching the year anniversary of her passing and because losing my sister is still far too fresh for me. I feel like she was robbed of her life and I was robbed of her. I am aware that she is better off now because she is no longer in pain but, then I begin to question everything like…. is death the reward while life is the punishment? I have lived a hard life but, do I deserve to continue to suffer after everything I have already been through? And why is it that those who don’t seem to suffer much, end up getting rescued before the rest of us? Honestly, it is beginning to annoy me that people are required to suffer to be considered a good person anyway.   And I am still disgusted at her diagnosis and lack of treatment.


I don’t have faith in the medical profession, I have seen and heard what doctor’s do. I have been on the receiving end of what doctor’s do. But, what gets me is not what they do but, what they don’t do. Like save you before it is too late!!! You see my sister had just had twin boys in August and got sick not long after that. What I don’t get is everyone knows a woman over 30 having a multiple birth is at risk, therefore they are watched over regardless of past pregnancies. What I want to know is how on God’s green Earth do you miss something as severe as breast cancer? I am not saying it couldn’t have just appeared and I know that cancer is still fairly new to us and sometimes it doesn’t show up. But, stage 4 in February, 6 months after she was in the hospital delivering babies. 6 months after having a C-section and a tubal ligation. Seriously…. Nobody in 6 months or before saw or heard her say anything that would warrant a mammogram or ultrasound?  How does that happen?


Yes, I am going through the stages of grief, this has just been told to me every single day since she passed. On top of all the things going on in life this was the last thing I wanted to hear. And I cannot prepare for what comes next no matter how hard I try, I cannot and will not accept this. I refuse to turn this into the circus main attraction that some people in my family seem to be trying to do. But, what can I do besides keep spreading the word and awareness? I can’t be her savior and even if I wanted to be it’s a little late to be trying to save the dead, I suppose that is someone else’s job now. Hell, for all I know she has reincarnated already anyway and is bringing happiness to someone else somewhere far away from here. All I can hope for is that she is happy and that she knows that I loved her no matter what.  As for me, I will keep sharing her story and find new stories to bring to light. Her life changed so why shouldn’t mine……

My Sister’s Keeper

Nothing prepares you for the words I heard in under a week’s time. How we went from, “your sister has cancer” on Saturday to ” your sister died” on Tuesday, I will never understand. I am still in shock, I manage to stop crying long enough to scream, ” God why?” My chest hurts, I have seen death in my life, it is no stranger to me but, this….

She deserves so much, she deserved to know every day of her life that she was indeed loved. Something I think she questioned daily in her short 33 years of life. I spent our entire childhood trying to protect her from any kind of pain imaginable. I failed to do this when she became an adult. I, like everyone else in the world, had decided she had to grow up and face life head on. What I didn’t see was she had no idea how to do this because of me allowing her to stay a child and not learning the true reality of life itself.  Continue reading

Imagine if we hadn’t lost a great musician 30 years ago

December 8, 1980; is one of the day’s you could honestly say music died. The day when Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon outside Lennon’s Manhattan apartment. A day that millions of people flock together each year to remember the former Beatle. Where were you the day Lennon got shot? Do you remember? I was 5 so I am sure it was big news in my house since my father was a Beatles fan. But, as far as me, I was too young to remember the details exactly.

Lennon was just returning to his home around 11 p.m from the Record Plant Studio where he was recording new music. He was pronounced dead at St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center after being shot five times by his assailant,who had just gotten the singer’s autograph a mere 5 hours earlier.

Let’s take a few moments and just Imagine that one of the music industry’s greatest artists isn’t gone.


R.I.P. John Lennon….You are missed to this day!!!

The Contract

Tired of shaking I am losing control
too much anxiety has taken its toll
adrenaline pumping all through my veins
standing here naked body wrapped up in chains
I’m a prisoner help me let me out of this cage
theres nothing more deadly then a heart full of rage
I scream through the cell hoping someone will hear
a voice dark and low says “you have nothing to fear”
“GOD is that you?” I reply in the dark
“You know the answer” its says “look deep in your heart”
“GOD I cant see, are you really here now?”
“All in due time but first you must say this vow”
“GOD I’ll do anything just free me from this hell”
“I have you my child there’s no need to yell”
” What must I do GOD just tell me I’m in”
” First you must bow and let me wipe you from sin”
“Oh GOD I am sorry I was wrong please forgive me”
“Your prayer has been answered now just open your eyes and you’ll see”
So I opened my eyes and got such a surprise
standing before me was not GOD but SATAN with snake eyes
“Lucifer it is you i thought u were GOD
how could you do this why the facade?”
“Child not everyone who hears you is GOD dont you know
take my hand and I’ll show you the right way to go.”
“I cannot do that I wont go with you
I’d rather be dead then sell my soul like a fool.”
“Child you are mistaken it’s too late you’re all mine
for it wasnt you who made your life contract it was your parents who signed!”


Loca

My heart has stopped beating
my happiness is fleeting.
I need you in my life right now
I hang my head I begin to bow.
You are not here but yet you are,
so close yet so far.
My tears run down my face all day
I can see you run I see you play.
Your scent is all around me
you are more then a memory.
Feels like someone has cut my heart out of my chest
I try and sleep my mind never at rest.
I watched you slowly die
my eyes stung I began to cry.
I held your body against my chest
I wondered if I gave my best.
I thought that it was time to let you go in peace
only God could make your suffering cease.
I held your head to me so close
while the needle injected its lethal dose.
In that moment I felt you leave
my body consumed by unbearable grief.
Your body lie there your soul has flown
the room is full yet I am all alone.
Life goes on or so they say
but most of me is with you and gone away.
Life is not about what you do
it is about those you love and whom love you.
I know this pain I feel today
will never end just slowly fade.
My body shakes my tears they flow
I know you are with me everywhere that I go.
I’m sorry my friend for it ending like this
but know it is you that I will forever miss.