A Year in Reflection

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On August 23rd of last year, I was in the hospital undergoing the biggest decision I have ever made in my entire life…prophylactic double mastectomy/breast reconstruction. At the time it seemed like the obvious choice, in hindsight, it was the most intensive rite of passage that ever plagued womankind.

 

I’m a strong woman. I know women claim that every day and then something trivial throws them into a panic attack of mega-proportions. I, myself, have been there. Where do you think the words Drama Queen came from. But, I digress. I AM STRONG! And as a woman who has idly strolled through several neighborhoods of Hell, I tell you I was not prepared for the emotional torture I would be facing during this reconstruction. It turns out even strong women can have weak moments.

 

They say, “What doesn’t break you makes you stronger.” I hate that saying with the entirety of my being, not because it isn’t true but because it is quoted repeatedly by people who have not been through a sliver of what I have. Am I comparing my struggles to the lack of theirs? No, I’m just reflecting on those moments that transpired along the way. Like I said in the previous paragraph…“Weak. “Drama Queen.” “Hell.”

 

Feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, comparisons, bouts of deep depression… just a few of the bullshit moments I had in the past year. After all of that work I put into myself in the last few years I was undone by my f**king breasts. That’s right, like a teenage boy, I lost my ever-loving mind over breasts. Apparently, my vanity knows no bounds.

 

When did I, the woman’s woman, turn into an exceedingly breast-obsessed man? If I had to pinpoint it, I’d say roughly between birth and the total hysterectomy 12 years ago but, I am just guessing here. Seriously, though, why the hell are we as a society so obsessed with oddly placed sacks of fat hanging off of one gender’s chest? And why did I get sucked into that absurdity? Because, that is what happens when you make a choice to save your life but still want to have some sort of normalcy… and FFS, I just want to be a woman, something I feel like PCOS, being raised as a boy, and an early hysterectomy robbed from me.

 

But, have I been robbed or have I just fallen victim willingly into the societal princess programming that all females are force-fed?! I’d like to think I am no victim let alone a willing one. But, yes I fell into the world’s biggest trap, allowing society to dictate their idea of what a woman is. Funny, I don’t remember signing up for that in my contract. Yet there it is in all its hideousness.

 

My surgeon told me this was a journey. I knew what I was in for, well, I thought I knew what I was in for. But, I was not ready for all of that. I didn’t know that my breasts were directly tied to my emotional core. An explosive core that was clearly ticking and this “journey” was the detonation. That’s what I get for holding on to 40 years of trauma. There has to be a better way to “let it go.” I’ll work on that.

 

So on Tuesday, I’ll be in my surgeon’s office getting the final touches on my breast reconstruction…purple glitter tattoos on my reconstructed nipples. Because why not? A girl should be a girl any way that she sees fit, not forced into being what society tells her she should be. And that is how you become a strong woman!

 

 

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month: A Warrior’s Plea

Throbbing, burning,
shooting from within
firm inflammation
piercing my skin.

Weighty and heavy
from night ‘til day
please Lord oh please
just melt it away.

Crying and screaming,
this warrior’s plea
what did I do wrong
for this to happen to me?

Wishing on stars
reaching for an answer
please don’t let this lump
be from Breast Cancer.

Tired and weary
a mother and wife
this wasn’t the way
I pictured my life.

Praying like so many
trying to endure
please Lord oh please
just give us the cure.

Facebook Uniting To Remove Child Pornography

Protect the children Stop child pornography on Facebook

UPDATE: THE PAGE WITH CHILD PORNOGRAPHY ON IT WAS REMOVED LATE IN THE EVENING ON JUNE 25, 2011. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO REPORTED AND JOINED THE EVENT TO HELP REMOVE THE PAGE FROM FACEBOOK.

If you all recall back in December of 2010, Facebook came together and users changed their avatars to children’s cartoons in an effort to raise awareness about child abuse. I wrote about it and you can find it here.

Well Facebook has joined hands and raised voices in an attempt to provoke awareness again; only this time it’s about a page called Love Boys, this page has child pornography on it. This page was brought to my attention by a friend of mine on Facebook this morning. It sickens me that this page has been up for two weeks and has been reported over 700 times today alone. Please be aware the images are grotesque so do NOT click on them but, do REPORT the page.

A truly remarkable person has made an event in order to show Facebook that we are sick and tired of administrators not doing their job and removing this disgusting page and filing charges against the person who made the page. Please visit the event, Petition Against Child Pornography Sites on FB and click attend. Invite your friends and spread the word that WE DO NOT SUPPORT  this perversion on Facebook.

It’s bad enough that children are abused but, to see Facebook not remove this page is outrageous and we need to stand up for victims of such heinous acts. It’s time for us to do right by all children and come together as concerned citizens. Facebook should be removing this filth immediately upon reporting!!!

As for you Mark Zuckerberg… You have said you want Facebook to be allowed to have children younger than 13 years old to enjoy your site. Do you think that this is appropriate when you and your team cannot even remove child pornography from your site? This page has been reported more than 700 times since this morning, what exactly do you pay your team for? Does nobody monitor Facebook on weekends? And please do explain to me why this page has been up for 2 weeks and I am positive it’s been reported prior to today, yet there it sits in all its horrendousness. So tell us Mr. Zuckerberg, do you not think child pornography is something that should be taken seriously or is it no longer your problem now that you are a millionaire?

So Mr. Zuckerberg when will you remove the child pornography from your site?

Thank you to all of the people spreading the world and reporting Love Boys. Don’t give up our voices WILL be heard one way or another. Children are NOT sexual objects!!!! JOIN THE MOVEMENT AND STOP CHILD PORNOGRAPHY ON FACEBOOK NOW!!!