Is Pain Robbing You of Happiness?

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It has been a long excruciating year; between the death’s in my family, to the robbery, to the new house…an agonizingly long year.

I made friends and lost friends, found out what is important and what is nothing more than time-consuming f*ckery.

My husband and children have been troopers through this whole ordeal. And let me tell you I have been anything but a wonderful human being. I’ve had meltdowns, tantrums, scream fests, depressive episodes, and moments of divine clarity… I’ve been in indisputable pain.

Just when you think you have a grasp on life, you find out that life isn’t yours to control…you’re just an irrelevant passenger.

Don’t get me wrong, your life belongs to you and you make of it what you will. But, when it comes down to controlling what happens in it, well… you can only control how you react. And my reactions were far beyond spectacular…I should have been a dramatic actress, I had some very award-winning soap-operatic moments, to say the very least {and I am}.  

It’s funny how complicated we make our lives. Every single detail has to be perfect and completely under our control. Why? Because we honestly believe that we have some god-like influence that enables us to change things that we don’t like and turn them into something we desire. But it isn’t about what we want, it’s solely about what we need.

Nobody needs supremacy; we need to learn how to be kind and gentle, loving and supportive. We need to be a far better person than what we expect our family and friends to be.  

We expect all of these ridiculously unreasonable things of others, yet we don’t budge an inch to be better people ourselves. And on top of that, we have the audacity to give hundreds of pathetic excuses as to why we can’t be more than what we already are. Oh yes, we are quite incredible, aren’t we?

So why can’t we be better people? Why are we so demanding of others to be more, but so incredibly fearful of our own impending greatness?

It’s like I once told a friend of mine… “I’m afraid that if the pain is gone I won’t be able to write with such passion anymore.” My pain is why I am passionate… or maybe my passion is why I am in pain. Either way I was in pain.

I enjoyed pain; it was the only thing I knew to be real. It was the only thing that could allow me to stay hidden from happiness and love. It was effortless to blame those that hurt me instead of being responsible for allowing them to continue hurting me.

Pain is addicting, it is a beautiful justification for everything. But pain is self-inflicted…let me clarify that. Emotional pain is self-inflicted. Yes, it initially hurts when someone uses you, or ignores you, or takes advantage of you, or talks bad about you, or tosses you aside like a rag doll. That hurts like hell.

But, it is brief. We hold on to something far longer than we need to. Why do we hold tight to something so insignificant and unworthy? Why do we torture ourselves? Don’t we deserve to be pain-free? Don’t we deserve happiness and love?

We do! We deserve happiness and love…from ourselves. Who cares if some imprudent former friend/family member/stranger hurt us… hurt people hurt people. What they need is forgiveness and time to learn from what they have done. It may not be today or tomorrow or even this lifetime, but they will learn.  

When you grow up in a society of revenge, you can’t possibly expect that the world will wake up one day and just be forgiving. It takes education, experience, and a strong will to grow and learn. It will take better people to teach others how to be better people… learning via example.

That is what I am focusing on, being the person that I want others to be. I’m ready to be pain-free and happy. Will you join me?    

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After The Storm Passes

Google Image. Vinyl designs by CJ

My last post really had several people concerned. I appreciate the comments and the messages and those of you who basically got a slap in the face wake-up call with that post.

I assure you all though that I am fine, the kids are fine, and my dogs and husband are all fine. No pun intended. Seriously, unlike my last post states we really are fine.

 

This isn’t the first time that some of you have seen me fly off the handle like I did yesterday. In fact, many of you who have known me for some time now, know all too well how hot-tempered I can be. And although I was angry when I wrote the post I assure you, I have had time to calm down and work through those overwhelming feelings and emotions.

 

I also want to say that, unfortunately anger is an emotion that must be expressed on occasion or it will do more damage later on to others and ones own self. It is a very explosive and extremely volatile emotion and as you all know, it had built up like a pressure cooker inside of me. If I hadn’t closed the lid so tightly and let some of the steam escape occasionally, I may have been able to stay calmer and have kept a cooler more level head instead of blowing up like an atom bomb.

 

The post I wrote, wasn’t meant to upset those who really do care and check in on me frequently. It wasn’t aimed at any one person specifically. In a nutshell, it was directed at society as a whole. It was a “Wake the fuck up people you aren’t the only ones struggling!” type of message. Which I admit, I most certainly could have portrayed my feelings in a less demanding and ignorant manner.

 

We have become a society of immensely selfish people. We allow our lives to be entirely consumed with so much trivial bullshit that we cannot possibly think of anyone else and how their lives may be turning out for them. We quickly jump from one thing to the next without stopping and realizing that even though we have moved on from the sadness and empathy we had once felt for a friend, that maybe they were still not over the thing that they had went through. (Example: my sister’s death and my family’s health and financial situation.) We are so quick to forget about our grieving friends feelings and if they don’t constantly remind us about their situation, it slips to the back of our minds. The more time that passes the more we believe they are no longer hurting and it not only shocks us but often time annoys us that they haven’t “moved on” yet. But, that is not how some of us see it and those of us who are on the receiving end often times get angry because our friends have left us stuck in time when they swore they’d always be there. We feel abandoned and neglected. As time continues to pass, we often feel alone because the world just kept on spinning while we stood there dizzy in need of assistance. We don’t want to ask for help because we don’t want to be a bother to anyone and we get angry because no one ever needed to ask us for help we just did it. It becomes a vicious cycle that many don’t break until after they have lost many people from their lives. And even then it may still  continue.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as guilty as everyone else. As I was writing my last post I knew exactly what it was I was saying, feeling, and projecting. I also know it came off very childish in a whole temper-tantrum sort of way. I was screaming for attention and oh boy did I get it.

 

But not only in the ways you might imagine. Letting all of that anger and emotion out really helped me to see things in a different light. I realized after writing it that I am not the same person I was before as I thought I was in my post. I’m really not that depressed, weak-minded, angry person anymore. I know you are shaking your head at me, like wtf is she talking about…the post was full of depression, anger and weakness.

 

Yes, it surely was. I thought it was all that built up stuff coming out and once I could calm down enough to reflect I realized how much of the past 7 months were actually anything but anger, depression and weakness on my part. Regardless if I was truly feeling and dealing with the emotions or just flitting back and forth between them, I did have many more happy and content days than I did depressed and angry days.

 

I have gone through a lot in the last year and a half and my writing reflects that. I know I don’t need to tell any of you who have been by my side throughout it all. What I learned in this experience was that I can no longer hold things in and just wait hoping they go away. I also learned that I have a good handful of online people, be it family or friends, who support me more than I was aware of or wanted to admit. Also, that I am a writer and as such I have to write. It doesn’t matter if I am a paid writer or if I am nothing more than a blogger with a never realized dream… I HAVE TO WRITE! So, the best thing for me to do is give you all smaller doses of my mind more frequently, instead of bombarding the world with larger doses all at once like I did yesterday. Not only is it better for all of you it is better for me too.

 

So thank you all for bearing with me through my ups and downs. Thank you for reaching out to me and letting me know you care. And above all, thank you for always allowing me to be who I am, even when I am not on my bestest behavior.  Nothing in this world feels better than the love I have felt in the last couple of days from those of you who prefer me just the way I am. I can now move on with my head held higher just knowing that I do indeed have  several shoulders to lean on if I just reach out for them.

 

Oh and before I end this, I’d like to give a special shoutout to my new readers and followers. Thank you for joining me on what was a very difficult day in my life. I hope you stick around and continue to ride with me on this crazy ride that is my life.

C’mon Baby Light My Grass On Fire

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As the 4th of July rapidly approaches, I sit here and reminisce about our country’s Independence Day and the memories I have from when I was a child.

From the age of 8 years old, until I was almost 19; I lived in a very small town in the upper part of Michigan, not to be confused with the Upper Peninsula. I don’t remember doing a lot of things on the national holiday at my father’s house in that small town. Most years, crowds of people would flock to the Ausable River where they could see the little city’s puny fireworks show. As a child any and all fireworks shows look amazing and produce the signature ooh’s and ahh’s.

It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s and living in Las Vegas did I realize the true beauty of huge firework displays. Whereas most of the entire city flocked to ‘The Strip’ and ‘Fremont Street’, I had small children and it was too much of a hassle to battle overly drunken crowds of that magnitude. Fortunately, for my kids and I, there were plenty of places off the beaten path where we could catch those giant, colorful, gloriously booming stimuli in the night sky.

Still, watching those magnificent displays of our nation’s pride and joy couldn’t be trumped by one specific childhood memory I have of long ago.

It was summer, a hot and sticky, worst drought ever, Michigan heat wave. My younger sister Jessica and I were at our mom’s house in Mt. Morris for our summer vacation. Mom was always on the go, so for the most part we spent much of our vacation days at one of her friends’ houses. This particular 4th of July was no different.

She took us over to one of her good friends, Fred’s house. This had to have been maybe my second time at his house. There were many adults and some kids, three being my 2 siblings and I. Of course, the kids were anxious and restless from anticipation. I mean… Really, what kid doesn’t love lively fiery objects that go boom? But, the damn drought had rained on our parade, washing away all of our little hopes and dreams.

A  severe drought that summer had everyone in the city under advisement to not set off fireworks of any kind. The odds of starting a major uncontrollable fire were far too high of a risk warned the city officials.

However, Fred being the greatest and most genial of all the adults, tells us that if he were to strategically place one measly  firework on the picnic table it would be perfectly safe. All of the children delightfully screamed, myself included. Because even though it was technically illegal, it is what the 4th of July is all about, right?  We were free men and women. We were free of the English tyrants. We were independent, free to do as we damn well pleased… FREE TO BREAK THE F**KING RULES MAN!!! *Said in my best Janis Joplin voice* WOOOOOOOOO!!!! Way to go, stick it to the man, Fred.

First Fred placed a little green army tank on the picnic table and lit it. Eyes glued to the table, we waited for it to do something patriotic. Without disappointment, it soon started racing down that table, leaving fiery tread marks behind it. The table had been just as dry as the grass.

Still, that little incident didn’t deter Fred the Magnificent. He grabbed another miniature firework, placed it in the middle of the picnic table, and lit it.

We all stood there staring at it. Then suddenly it started spinning; faster and faster and faster and then…it shot up into the sky.

Blinded by the mid-day sun we lost sight of  it for a moment but, soon it reappeared in all its fantastical glory.

It had landed on a patch of grass in the backyard catching it on fire. Someone scurried to go get the water hose to put it out. The little hellish firework jumped up again. By this time adults and children were screaming but not from delight. In the meantime, the little firework that could, had landed and caught a second spot of the yard on fire.

By the time the hose was retrieved and the flames doused, there were 3 burnt crop circles in Fred’s back yard. Now, I’m sure that Fred and the rest of the adults weren’t happy with that Independence Day fiasco. But for me… BEST 4TH OF JULY MEMORY EVER!!!

Daily Challenge For Jens Sake Day 8

Today’s Daily Challenge Thursday Sep. 08, 2011

Emotional Health
EVERYDAY WELL-BEING

Find out 1 new piece of information about someone you have a close relationship with.

How to do it
It’s easy to think that we know everything about the people in our lives. But we don’t. Today, find out one new piece of information about a family member, co-worker, or friend. If you’ve known this person for a while, it may take time to think of something you don’t know. But don’t let him or her off the hook! What is your child’s favorite letter? What book is your friend currently reading? Who taught your spouse how to ride a bike? What was your co-worker’s first job? Be a detective and ask the questions!

Why it matters
By asking someone in your life about his or her interests, dreams, and memories, it will help strengthen your relationship. Not only are you demonstrating that you care, but you are more likely to share information about yourself. What book are you reading? Who taught you to ride a bike? This connection and sharing of personal experiences creates trust and helps to maintain healthy relationships.

Fun Fact
Twenty Questions, a game in which one person has 20 chances to find out the answer, began in the United States. It was most popular in the late 1940s, when it was part of a weekly radio program.

So to do today’s challenge I asked my friends on Facebook to tell me something about themselves that I didn’t know. I think this was a great idea. I might have to try this once a month or something to get to know more about my friends.

A True Writer’s Epiphany

I have just had an epiphany!!! A special heartfelt thank you to my dear wonderful friend Sweepy Jean for posting the article ‘The 7 Virtues Every Writer Needs to Succeed.’

I found part of it to be quite enlightening…“The true writer understands that she must lose sleep, lose friends, and lose her sanity, and that even then she has no guarantee of ever being recognized as a writer.”

Prior to reading this I had been thinking about all the friends I have lost in the last few months and the ones I have gained. I am evolving again; I no longer tolerate what I did when I wasn’t a writer. Now my world is positive and more upbeat with an occasional backslide because I am human after all but, I am no longer the sarcastic, negative, cursing, badmouthing, intolerable, depressed person I was just a mere year ago. Every single day to me is now a new opportunity to be great.

A year ago nothing really mattered to me, I was stuck as a housewife and mom and had no aspirations of being anything more than what I was…I was content; grouchy and rude but, content. Then last year my journey began when instead of walking the same tired path, a treadmill walk so to speak; I had abruptly turned and strolled down a new path that I had never seen before.

I wrote in High School. I was in Advanced Writing as a Senior, it was not advanced enough for me. I found it boring and I often skipped class. I would find out what my assignment was from a friend, write it, hand it in and that was that. I graduated with an A+ average in that class and yet I was almost never there. Not once did it come to mind that I should be a writer. All I dreamed of doing with my life was to escape the tyranny of my abusive household; and I did but, I became a wife and mother soon afterwards and I just accepted that… that was my life, end of story.

But, last year I quickly went from roasting and goofing off in a rapper’s chatroom to keystylin’ (writing raps directly from my head using a KEYboard) to writing poems to freestylin’ (saying raps off the top of my head) to writing articles. In that short period of time I evolved into what you see today. I was moving forward with ease because of my supportive friends and I refused to put the damn pen down.

So back to my friends list; I know it seems a bit petty to gripe over it but, the people on my list are in categories of family, friends I have known in my personal life for at least 8 years and online friends I have known for at least 3 years. So why all of a sudden, were people deleting me or blocking me? I have always been loud, outspoken, rude/crude/lewd, bluntly put I’ve always been a bitch… nothing had changed, so why were they offended enough now to remove me?

Oh wait a minute… I CHANGED!!! It wasn’t my outspoken voice that was bothering them, it was the fact more people were listening now. It was the positive feedback I was getting from my new friends. It was the point when others and myself realized I was destined for greatness. Every time I posted a new accomplishment or published an article… like clockwork I lost friends. How dare I stop being a boring, uneducated, “loser” of a housewife and become a voice that people were cheering for… How dare I not go to college and have a great talent for writing… How dare I not only continue to speak my mind but, actually convince people that I was right in what I was saying… I have some nerve, don’t I?

This is the part where I should say I am sorry but, I won’t. Because I am not sorry for becoming more then what I was, for making my children proud with each new accomplishment, and I sure as Hell am not going back to plain ol’ housewife status so some people can feel better about their lives. I will never feel bad for accomplishing my goals and dreams. If it means I lose more so-called friends, so be it. Friends support one another and if mine aren’t supporting me than you weren’t my friends to begin with.

Now you know I’m a thinker and my mind has more to say:I also realized that as I was losing “friends” I was gaining new ones as well; more professional, supportive friends. Ones who actually read what I write not judge it based on a title; people who not only support my dream of being a writer but, gladly hand me the tools and knowledge to make those dreams come true. People, who like me, refuse to treat others badly, no matter how much they deserve to be told off. You know, the kind of people who think games are for kids.

The Universe was flashing a huge neon sign at me and I had missed it, until now…Yes I miss signs too. These people who were removing me are doing me an enormous favor; every time one leaves it opens the door for “new” people to enter my life. Before long my timeline’s will be full of people I actually enjoy interacting with. I will want to continue to better myself because I see them making the world a better place. That excites me, I have always felt like the outsider and now I don’t. Home at last, home at last thank the Lord I am home at last!!!

So now every time I log in online and someone is missing, I can say “Thank You” to the Universe and roll out the red carpet for my new special friend. And to everyone who has stood beside me from beginning to end, you my dears are appreciated more then you will ever know. Because I am a true writer!!!

I Have Lived Life

I have shed blood, sweat,immeasurable tears
Stared bluntly in the face of my greatest fears

I have had good thoughts and some insane
Some brought me great pleasure some brought me great pain

I have been free and trapped in a cage
Been bursting with love and insufferable rage

I have known death and I have known birth
Seen Heaven and Hell in my life on this Earth

I have been lost and also been found
Been lifted up high and kicked down to the ground

I have turned hate to love and love into hate
Done magnificent things, a few not-so great

I have several friends, enemies too
Some of them old and some of them new

I have spoken with ink, lips and heart
Written and read inspirational art

I have lived life as well as I could
Some parts might have been bad but, most parts were good

I will rise up each time that I fall
For life is worth living so I give it my all

The Days on Gary Ct.

Gary Ct. Google Maps

Some days I sit and see the connection friends have amongst themselves and I long for the days when I was surrounded by good friends. It’s inevitable; people, move on and friendships fall apart, not because of choice but, because we all become so busy with other things that we no longer find time to visit or call. Some of us will try and find time to at least comment on a friend’s Facebook status before getting swept back up in the tediousness of our lives. Continue reading

The Break-up Letter

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Dear B.,

Thinking back to when we first began, I never would have imagined that I would want to leave you.
But, the last month has been HELL. You had given me so much then suddenly you ripped it all away from me.

I hated you for that!!!

It was fall of last year when we met; an exotic and stunning creature you were. You weren’t my first online relationship but, you were my most intense. I was only looking for fun; never would I have dreamed that love was possible online but, then came you. Continue reading

Friends,Who Needs Them

Hey stupid, yes you
people don’t give a damn about what they do to you
what you thought was the meaning of friends was a lie
they’d just as soon stab you in the back and wish that you’d die
there is a difference in what you thought and what is reality
not everything you see is really what it appears to be
nobody cares about a person’s feelings no more
they’ll just shut out everyone like they’re slamming a door
seems to me it’s a tad bit hypocritical
this is why I have a hard time not being cynical
people talking kindly to your face one day
then come to find out your trust they betray
maybe it’s the best to keep your feelings on a shelf
keep your heart locked up and love only yourself
it it seems very necessary in this day and age
people hurting one another their hearts and minds filled with rage
I spent many years mistrusting everyone in my life
when I finally opened up I found I had been stabbed in the back with a knife
I really wish I had just stayed true to myself nothing to lose nothing to gain
then I wouldn’t be here now enduring this pain.