C’mon Baby Light My Grass On Fire

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As the 4th of July rapidly approaches, I sit here and reminisce about our country’s Independence Day and the memories I have from when I was a child.

From the age of 8 years old, until I was almost 19; I lived in a very small town in the upper part of Michigan, not to be confused with the Upper Peninsula. I don’t remember doing a lot of things on the national holiday at my father’s house in that small town. Most years, crowds of people would flock to the Ausable River where they could see the little city’s puny fireworks show. As a child any and all fireworks shows look amazing and produce the signature ooh’s and ahh’s.

It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s and living in Las Vegas did I realize the true beauty of huge firework displays. Whereas most of the entire city flocked to ‘The Strip’ and ‘Fremont Street’, I had small children and it was too much of a hassle to battle overly drunken crowds of that magnitude. Fortunately, for my kids and I, there were plenty of places off the beaten path where we could catch those giant, colorful, gloriously booming stimuli in the night sky.

Still, watching those magnificent displays of our nation’s pride and joy couldn’t be trumped by one specific childhood memory I have of long ago.

It was summer, a hot and sticky, worst drought ever, Michigan heat wave. My younger sister Jessica and I were at our mom’s house in Mt. Morris for our summer vacation. Mom was always on the go, so for the most part we spent much of our vacation days at one of her friends’ houses. This particular 4th of July was no different.

She took us over to one of her good friends, Fred’s house. This had to have been maybe my second time at his house. There were many adults and some kids, three being my 2 siblings and I. Of course, the kids were anxious and restless from anticipation. I mean… Really, what kid doesn’t love lively fiery objects that go boom? But, the damn drought had rained on our parade, washing away all of our little hopes and dreams.

A  severe drought that summer had everyone in the city under advisement to not set off fireworks of any kind. The odds of starting a major uncontrollable fire were far too high of a risk warned the city officials.

However, Fred being the greatest and most genial of all the adults, tells us that if he were to strategically place one measly  firework on the picnic table it would be perfectly safe. All of the children delightfully screamed, myself included. Because even though it was technically illegal, it is what the 4th of July is all about, right?  We were free men and women. We were free of the English tyrants. We were independent, free to do as we damn well pleased… FREE TO BREAK THE F**KING RULES MAN!!! *Said in my best Janis Joplin voice* WOOOOOOOOO!!!! Way to go, stick it to the man, Fred.

First Fred placed a little green army tank on the picnic table and lit it. Eyes glued to the table, we waited for it to do something patriotic. Without disappointment, it soon started racing down that table, leaving fiery tread marks behind it. The table had been just as dry as the grass.

Still, that little incident didn’t deter Fred the Magnificent. He grabbed another miniature firework, placed it in the middle of the picnic table, and lit it.

We all stood there staring at it. Then suddenly it started spinning; faster and faster and faster and then…it shot up into the sky.

Blinded by the mid-day sun we lost sight of  it for a moment but, soon it reappeared in all its fantastical glory.

It had landed on a patch of grass in the backyard catching it on fire. Someone scurried to go get the water hose to put it out. The little hellish firework jumped up again. By this time adults and children were screaming but not from delight. In the meantime, the little firework that could, had landed and caught a second spot of the yard on fire.

By the time the hose was retrieved and the flames doused, there were 3 burnt crop circles in Fred’s back yard. Now, I’m sure that Fred and the rest of the adults weren’t happy with that Independence Day fiasco. But for me… BEST 4TH OF JULY MEMORY EVER!!!

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What Is Really InJensMind?

What is really InJensMind? Absolutely freaking nothing! HA…

I can’t even begin to tell you all how overwhelmed I feel at times. My mind is always racing 100 m.p.h. except for the times when it is up to 200 m.p.h. which is usually when I am trying to sleep. I’ve come to notice something about myself recently and well I can’t help to wonder if it is just me or is there something else. Something… deeper, that is going on.

My brain is fried. You know like the egg in the skillet in the old 80’s anti-drug campaign commercials. You have no idea how much I despise eggs let alone a fried one inside my skull. But, it is true, my memory is kaput. I mean… Sure, I can remember certain things, i.e. my shitty childhood, birthdays, every single inch of every single building/house I have ever stepped foot in. Because who wouldn’t kill to own that delightful and mind-blowing skill!?! Can’t remember where I parked the car but, don’t fret I can envision with exceptional detail, every aisle in the grocery store without stepping foot in it. Humph! But, what I cannot remember is, have I ever told someone this story before? What did I eat for breakfast? Who is that person that keeps messaging me, have we spoken before? Where’d I put my cellphone? When was the last time I took a shower? Did I take my pills today?

I’m seriously surprised I can even finish a post. LOL It’s comical but, still it really isn’t. There are many things that I can’t seem to recall. Tiny inconsequential things but, many things.  An entire lifetime of things. I’m not sure if this is some kind of premature Alzheimer’s, my insulin resistance issue, a brain tumor, caffeine/sugar/carb overload, lack of refreshing sleep at night, being married for nearly 19 years, never leaving my house to socialize with anyone who doesn’t bark or was grown inside of my womb, a freakish Zombie brain eating accident, the lack of mind-blowing sex (oh wait, that wouldn’t be helpful whatsoever… or would it!?!) or just years of blocking out traumatic details to the point I don’t know anything other than my name. And even that is iffy at this moment. What’s my name? No really, what’s my mother****ing name? Sorry, I had a former rapper flashback.

All I know is, this is really beginning to bother me. Maybe, I should see someone about this. In the meantime… can someone give me Dr. Frankenstein’s number? I’m sure he has a few extra brains just lying around unused. Ooo EEEEgor, ver eeee’s meeee brain? Coming Master!!!

NaPoWriMo Day:3 A Pirate’s Limerick

There once was a girl rather dumb
who dressed like a pirate for fun
she’d enter the bar
all a sudden yell arrr
then swallow seamen with her rum

Don’t forget to visit, share, and comment on these following poets pages as well:

Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World
Lyric Fire
AscendingTheHills
142 Books
Sulekha Rawat: Memoirs

To create…
memoirs of a homemaker
One Time Pad
Thoughts Of Beauty In The Stillness Of Dawn…
EllieBloo
Chris Galvin 

‘YouTube Tuesday’: Christmas Edition

YouTube Tuesday, adopted from Josh at Its Tiger Time, is a day set aside for sharing your favorite video.

Feel free to join in each week and see how creative we bloggers can be. Each month, Josh will highlight a selected video and present the winner with the ‘YouTube Tuesday’ Award.
If you participate, remember to leave your YouTube Tuesday link at Its Tiger Time as well as all the blogs you visit.

So, I know this video is an advertisement for the Hub channel but, I love it. The kids were watching cartoons and I stopped what I was doing to watch this when it came on. I started laughing hysterically because that is so me at the end of the video. I go all crazy and off-topic with my singing just like Bulkhead does. LMAO! Hope you enjoy our last YouTube Tuesday before Christmas.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month: My Mammogram and Me

As I sit here in my semi-quiet house freezing my ass off with a furnace that likes to play “No Heat Today” games, I recall my thoughts and feelings from February.

February 6th, 2011 to be precise; and getting the call that my 33-year-old sister is in the hospital with Stage IV Breast Cancer. Fast forward two days to February 8th, 2011 and another phone call, “Your sister is dead.” Those moments were the most horrific moments of my life… that is until October 8th, 2011 when I spotted a massive lump in my breast. The pain was unimaginable; my paranoia was out of control… all I wanted was the pain to go away and for the lump to recede. All I wanted was a mammogram/ultrasound to tell me the lump was not cancerous. I wanted an answer immediately; that is what Emergency Rooms are for, aren’t they?

It was October 9th before I actually saw a doctor, those of you by my side through this whole ordeal you remember that from my earlier post, Breast Cancer Awareness Month: There’s a Lump in my Breast. I spent all day in a hospital bed before actually seeing a breast specialist on the 10th. Starving and thirsty from fasting, just in case there was to be a surgery, paranoid and restless from waiting to be seen, tired, cranky, in pain and tears… It was a day like no other as it was also the day that would have been my grandmother’s 75th birthday if Stomach/Liver Cancer had not taken her from our family 10 years ago. Just another typical day in the life of an atypical girl. 

Luckily, I was released and sent home with antibiotics for the “we think it’s an” infection that I was diagnosed with. My inner cynical bitch cried; “Bullshit! If it’s just an infection where the f@ck is the pus?” Don’t mind her she has driven doctors and nurses to an early grave for a good part of her miserable adult life.

I was released the same day I saw a breast specialist; still don’t know why she is special when all she did was grope the twins but, hey it’s whatever at this point. I went into hiding for over a week, because that is what I do when I am stressed. I make up bullshit reasons about why I can’t come to the door, the phone, the laptop, or my senses and well most of you believe it so thank you all for that. LOL Honestly, I was tired for a good part of the week; any time I am forced to take a prescription, my brain fights back by telling my body to hibernate. It’s perfectly normal…for me!

I managed to scrape my weak body out of bed on Tuesday for a Mammogram at the breast specialist’s office. And after two hours of erect nipples in a cold office building in nothing more than a hospital gown, I am still wondering why she is so special. Let me start off by saying my husband did his part by taking me to the appointment and sitting there patiently waiting for me to be done. I also have to give him credit for not being a man and going all ape-shit over a chick groping my twins err I mean, his twins. Because Lord knows one comment about that and I would have pulled out a tire iron and dumped his bloody ass in the Mississippi faster than you can spell it.

NOTE: I, Jenni being of somewhat sound mind and not quite sound but close body, swear that I was framed if by some cruel joke of Zeus that my husband, Luis ends up in the Mississippi River. In the immortal words of Jake Blues played by John Belushi in Blues Brothers…“Honest… I ran out of gas. I… I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out-of-town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!”

Anyway, I digress. So, at the doctor’s office I waited for my mammogram where they take X-Rayesque pictures of your boobs with a machine that is 1- cold as a meat locker at the North Pole 2- as comfortable as wringing out your hand in an old-fashioned wringer washer (which I have done by the way), and 3- not intended for any woman with a cup size over C. (Which I have been over since 4th grade) If I ever doubted that my gargantuan bust-line needed a reduction, watching the poor nurse juggle my boob with two hands reminded me that I am indeed due for a reduction STAT! If you have never had a mammogram consider yourself lucky and if you have and you thought it was no biggie… please grow bigger boobs and a painful firm lump before getting your next one, thank you.

The nurse took two standard pictures, one the straight forward kind and the second with the machine angled which I imagine with a woman with normal sized breasts is supposed to catch more of a side view. They do this on both breasts for a total of 4 pictures. It is uncomfortable, it is cold, and it is ridiculously hilarious/embarrassing to watch a nurse juggle a boob that is bigger than her whole entire head. I was asked to take a seat while the radiologist checked my “close-ups.” When the nurse came back she asked me to step up to the machine again because well, my boobs are special and need extra pictures. *Wink wink* After the last juggling session, she told me to sit in the waiting room and wait to get another ultrasound done. By this time, more than an hour had passed and another woman was waiting for her turn at the Boob Camera. By the way, I was the youngest woman in the doctor’s office and in the mammogram waiting room. That alone f@cks with your head!

“Ok Jennifer, we are ready for you.” The woman beside me stands up as I go to stand up. Oh flippin great wouldn’t you know it…we’re both Jennifer’s. Stupid 60’s and 70’s. The nurse apologized to me as I told her that I was there waiting on an ultrasound, she assured me that this didn’t usually happen because well seriously what are the chances that two women in the breast lab would be blessed with the same exact first name? As much as I wanted to tell her, “I am more important, bow down to me now peasant!” my sense of humor was missing in action, because I was freaking out about the length of time I had already spent in the clinic.

Before long I was back in the doctor’s office with my husband, awaiting the 5 words that could make or break my life! Fortunately for me my doctor doesn’t like 5 word sentences and told me I’m all clear. I was instructed to come back in 6 months or sooner depending on the breast lump, which they still believe to be an infection…I however, have come to know it as the illegal alien. Because of my family history with cancers I have to get yearly mammograms now, oh yippie how I look forward to the smashing and juggling of my bresteses!!!

So there you have it folks… I am not afflicted with Breast Cancer. I will be around a long time to talk shit and be a general pain in the ass. Yea me! I once again want to thank all of you who sent me prayers, thoughts, and well wishes during my schizophrenic meltdown into the abyss of paranoia and hypochondria. To those of you who wish to offer me a donation for this extremely comedic post just give me the word; I am a paypal account away. *Wink*

Now, it is your turn… self-examine, mammogram ‘em, don’t be a disappointment just make an appointment and always take care of those boobies!

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Oh and don’t forget to get involved and support Breast Cancer Awareness, preferably all year not just this month.

The New Chia Seed Diet

With today’s obese numbers on the rise, weight issues have become a huge problem for both adults and children.

It seems like every one you meet is now on some kind of diet, I am no exception.

I have tried to lose weight since I had my oldest child 16 years ago. Wow, you’d think after 16 years I would have lost the weight I gained in under 9 months while pregnant.

I have tried so many diets in my life; I was always put on a diet when my step-mother was on one too. To this day I still enjoy crackers and cottage cheese; in fact I can only eat cottage cheese with crackers.

I guess because I was bigger than most girls, she figured I could benefit from the diet as well. Then again I was wearing a bra way before normal girls were but, I’m sure my massive bust had absolutely nothing to do with the extra 20 pounds I have always carried around.

After various attempts and failed results, my doctor suggested exercise. So like all sensible people I purchased equipment; a bike, treadmill, weight bench and of course a Gazelle; because no one should ever have to be without a Gazelle. Let me tell you first off that the commercials are lies. You get the Gazelle in a huge heavy box and you get the great added honor of assembling it all by your lonesome, isn’t that dandy… The commercial shows everyone with huge smiles and all the older people swear there is no impact on your knees during or after a workout.

LIES!!!! Not only did my arthritic knees feel it but, I could barely walk for a week after getting off of it. Every inch of my body hurt, which is great for a workout right? I mean you feel that burn so you know it’s working. HA! My bones were killing me but, my muscles on the other hand laughed at the puniness of the machine.

After going back to the doctor we discovered that exercise would be helpful but, in small doses because alas, I have rheumatoid arthritis. Oh yeah!!!

So now I would get to work out to help the inflammation but, not enough to actually lose weight, how freaking wonderful is that… And I get the pleasure of being on a restricted calorie diet on top of that… Oh the joy!!! Can’t you see how ecstatic I am?

Whenever I get the chance I buy For Women First or Woman’s First magazines and read all their diets, recipes and natural remedy advice. They have some wonderful articles in it so if you haven’t read them and want some extra advice pick them up. No, I don’t get paid to say that…wish I did though.

I was just reading a question that somebody wrote in and asked about, it was very informative. “I’ve heard Chia seeds are the new weight-loss superfood. Could they work for me?” The response was, Absolutely!!

That was all I needed to read and I was off to the store. It didn’t take me long to find the Chia, although I have to say they aren’t as plentiful as they were a few years ago.

Never-the-less, I left the store with $200 in a sorted variety of Chia pets. When I commit to a diet let me tell you I commit mind, body, soul and money!!!

I got home and ripped open the packages, I wasn’t sure of the dosage since I didn’t finish the article. I began taking two packets of Chia seeds a day with plenty of water. As with any diet, water is always the most important thing you can drink.

I’ve been taking the seeds for a couple of weeks now and the results are shocking! Only thing is… I haven’t lost any weight but, I sure have sprouted a nice thick patch of Chia fur out of my ass!!!

Today’s Thought

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Time stands still for no man!

Isn’t that the truth? It just keeps tick tick ticking away while some of us wish it would slow down just enough for us to at least take a breath or catch up if only for a day. I would be grateful if my brain would slow down enough to focus on a single thought but, alas like time my brain stands still for no one including myself.

I have spent many a moment thinking… what to write, what to do, when will I get it done, when will I see my time come, where the Hell do I go from here, is anybody listening, what, who , when , why, how???

Questions were made to be asked or is that answered? HA and you thought I couldn’t confuse you. As you may have figured out by now, my brain is a vast and tangled web of incoming and outgoing knowledge. If I could just have one moment; a single solitary second to focus on one thought, one question that needs to be answered; it would be this…

If a person wears one outfit a day, how on Earth does the laundry triplicate?

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Not exactly the thought of a genius, I know but, still a very worthy question indeed. I have tried to figure it out, I have called the Psychic Hotline and talked to Madam Knowsitall and I cannot for the life of me get a straight answer.

I spent $5000 just to find out that I will be a celebrated person both in writing and in whatever cause I take on. I have found out that I was born to a highly intelligent and rich family but, due to the unbalance of smart vs dumb people, I was given to a family of lower lifeforms. I also was informed that the world will end in 2020 but, that I shouldn’t spread that information freely or an outbreak of gun-toting morons will shoot up all the people who are supposed to survive and be transported to a new planet. I even learned that my sharp wit and sarcastic venomous tongue will piss off several groups of people but,unfortunately nobody can tell me why my laundry pile looks like a tornado passed through and dropped off 5 states worth of laundry in my basement and living room.

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I thought these people knew it all? I could have sworn that these upstanding citizens with exceptional fortune-telling abilities could tell me my heart’s most unanswered desire? Am I wrong to think that someone who charges $9.99 for the first minute is not trust-worthy?

And again the questions pile up and my mind is off to the races once more. I am positive that my query will go unanswered until my death but, just in case let me call another psychic network to be sure. Can someone lend me a couple thousand until payday?

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No Pictures Please

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I hate having my picture taken…hate hate HATE it!!! I am always behind the camera, snapping away at everyone I know. But, here I am looking at all these pictures; some in boxes, some in computer files, some in albums and some on Facebook.

Where the Hell are my family portraits? Where are the goofy pictures of me and my siblings as adults? Why do I not have one single picture of my grandmother and me? In fact where is the mother/daughter pictures of my mom and me or my daughter and me? Where is the picture of me standing on a chair so my son and I can be the same height? Where are the happy couple pictures of my husband and I???

 

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I’m scared to be photographed! I’m Native American Indian…pictures will steal my soul, I will never be able to reincarnate, the light bulb demon that lives in the flash will break free and take over the planet… I cannot be responsible for that.

 

 

Ok, that’s not the real reason but, it might as well be because my reasoning is as silly as that is. My ridiculous ass never thought to take pictures of my sister when I was in Vegas in 2007 and now all I have of her is childhood photos, her second wedding pictures that she gave me years ago and pictures of her with other people who are not me!! *Sigh*

Me 1993

Every time I see a camera, I scream like I’m 2 and hide…When the Hell did I start doing that? I was never frightened to put on a stupid face and be right smack dab in the middle of the picture. I was always doing something retarded looking with a huge smile on my face. When did I become the scary old hunchbacked recluse in the haunted house on the corner???

Oh, yes I remember… I got married, got fat and lost my smile. Yep, all excellent reasons to stay far away from a camera that will only amplify the horror of not being a happy person. It takes me 20 pictures before I find one that is worthy of Facebook let alone to be cherished forever by my family.

My husband has always been a busy man, so he is in very few pictures; yet he always has a huge smile and goofy face when there is a camera thrust upon him. Which just confirms that men are big kids and don’t stress half as much as we women do. But, I digress because this isn’t a slam men post it’s a Jenni, you dumbass post!!! *Facepalm*

The last family picture we had taken was when our daughter was born, she’s 15 now. My son and daughter have a picture together he was sleeping; a few years ago I took them to a place and got a free picture of the two of them. A few years ago, HA more like over 5 years ago. When they were in public school I always paid for picture packages. I take loads of pictures of my kids, those memories are priceless.

But, what if I died… what if I was in a coma… what if… My kids won’t have photos of their mom; just because I was too terrified to have any permanent reminder that showed my internal sadness or anger. There are no goofy smiles or a sparkle in my eye pictures for my kids to cherish.

 

 

Jess & I circa 92-93

Just like I have no pictures of my sister and me since we were teens in High School. How depressing is that?

 

 

I don’t even own a camera; with cellphones coming equipped with them, I figured why spend money on something I don’t need… just shoot me now!!!

I am going to buy my first digital camera in the next week or two and I will give it to my daughter. She wants to try photography anyway. Looks like I am going to have to suffer and just let unflattering pictures of me be flaunted. I am already shaking at the thought but, I can’t allow my family to feel the guilt I do, when an unexpected death happens and you look at photo albums then realize all the memories in your aging brain never got saved.

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They’re Coming To Take Me Away…

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H-E-L-P !!! *gurgle gurgle* Someone throw me a life jacket or one of those fancy fruit loop looking things or a sexy life guard. Oh yesss throw me a sexy lifeguard please; a male, I don’t play well with women. NO, don’t throw me a male lifeguard I am distracted enough.

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I am drowning here. Doesn’t anyone see me drowning? Doesn’t anyone see my arms flailing, my gasps of air and water gargled screams? Can you hear me now? Anyone?? Hellooo. Somebody?? Bueller…

It’s been a long couple of weeks and as I sit here I can’t help but, feel like I am drowning and in need of rescue. There is a million things I need to get done and I don’t know if I am presently not motivated or if being sick last week drained the hell out of me but, whatever it is something just doesn’t feel right. I think I have become a wee bit touched in the head.

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It was nothing for me to kick out a few articles in a day now; I just can’t seem to figure out what I want to say, what really needs to be said or do I even need to say it anymore. I do not doubt myself or anything like that; I am just completely unfocused about everything in my life right now. I have apparently gone crazy.

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There’s laundry to do, dishes, cleaning, organizing… I want to get out of the house with the kids at some point this summer and go to the Zoo, Science Center and festivals. I have articles and poems sitting in draft form needing to be finished. I have three books I am suppose to be working on. I have over 100 blogs I follow that need to be read because God knows they aren’t waiting for me to catch up. I have groceries to buy, dinners to fix and a life to live… yet I can’t seem to get up and git-er-dun…so to speak.

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Is this what 36 feels like? Is it just my age coming in to play and not my totally scattered brain? I have tried scheduling myself, goals, appointment books full of what to do’s and still nothing. How am I going to fix my loopy mind and settle down and work like I should be?

 

 

 

 

 

 

And they’re coming to take me away Ha Ha they’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha

to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they’re coming to take me away ha ha

Spaghetti Mafia

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When I was about 13 years old we spent our usual court appointed three weeks during the summer at my mom’s house. Mom was working during the day so she decided to drop Jess, Rion and me off at her aunt’s house; good ol Aunt Janet, my grandmother’s younger sister.

 

I grew up around my aunt on and off during my life but, mostly it was when I was younger because we lived a couple of blocks away from her in Flint. When I got older my aunt became disabled and was in a wheelchair for many years from diabetes and her plethora of other medical conditions. Although she was fairly sick most of the time that I was ever around her, she never failed to crack us up when we visited. We would spend hours listening to her talk about her youth and all her comical adventures. Some of them seemed too funny to be true but, we never called her a liar because the stories were definitely side-splitting hilarious and we were just children so who were we to say they didn’t happen.

 

On one particular day we; Jess, Rion, Aunt Janet and I were all sitting in the kitchen at the table talking and eating ice cream. After awhile Aunt Janet tells us this one story that I will always remember for the rest of my life; here is what she said…

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“When I was a girl I went out on a date with this nice Italian gangster, he picked me up and we went to his family’s restaurant for dinner; I had spaghetti. Time seemed to fly by while talking with him and his family. At one point the conversation became so intriguing that I forgot about my spaghetti, I was just winding and winding and winding it around my fork and when I lifted my fork to take a bite… there was no pasta on my plate, it was all on the fork!!! It was the size of a baseball.”

 

My siblings and I busted out laughing…my aunt knew how to tell a story and her facial expressions along with her hand gestures were downright entertaining. She had been twisting her hand like she was actually winding the spaghetti on the fork and her mouth dropped open as she lifted her hand to her face.

 

I am very fortunate to have spent quite a bit of time with my Aunt Janet before she passed away in 2001. Every time I eat spaghetti I recant the story she told us and laugh half way through dinner!! And don’t even get me started singing that parody song of On Top of Old Smokey. LOL

And The Award For Most Awards In A Week Goes To…

Do you ever feel like your life resembles an awards show? Every time I write something I feel like I am waiting to be nominated for an Emmy or Grammy or something to that effect. It’s not like I need the awards to make me feel special but, I do feel special when I receive one. Last week was no exception when I received 3 awards from fellow bloggers/ friends.

I step up to claim my honor with speech in hand, look out to the crowd and realize that what I thought was my speech was nothing more than a receipt from the bar I was at last night getting wasted in celebration. “Umm…” I start out, “It looks as if I misplaced my speech, and so I guess I have to do this the old-fashioned way.” The crowd laughs.

“First off I would like to thank all the people who believed in me when I didn’t. I’d also like to thank the people who nominated me for these wonderful awards… (You can find these and more on my accomplishments page.)

 

Roy’s Garage Sell and Auction Well

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                   

 

 

Sulekha’s Memoirs

 

Ravenmyth

You have all blessed me with such honor and I appreciate this in more ways than you know.”

“I would like to say a few things about myself before I toss the awards to the new nominees-in-waiting.”

1-I have premonitions. I can remember as early as 4 years old having them. They come to me while I am dreaming. I don’t normally remember my dreams but, these always stick. I have seen many things while growing up and this although I am thankful for having such abilities I am also sad that I can’t do anything about what I see. My last premonition was about my sister being sick, a few months later she was indeed sick and passed away.

2-I have seen ghosts/spirits since I was very young. My first memory was in my grandmother’s house where two brothers had died when they were about 18 years old. I woke up in the middle of the night to see them standing at the end of my bed, one said to the other “She’s awake.” I freaked out; I saw and heard them clear as day. I banged on the wall behind me where my grandma’s room was, never taking my eyes off them. My grandma turned on the light and they were gone. She told me to say “God is my light” when I saw things that scared me, to this day if I have a nightmare I think those words to help me move on to something happier.

3-There is always at least one light on in my house at all times. My daughter sees spirits as well and quite a few have frightened her to the point she would scream bloody murder several times at night. I finally had to leave lights on so she couldn’t see them all the time. Mostly their appearances scared her because she saw what they looked like when they died. It was hard for her because she didn’t watch horror movies, imagine how you felt the first time you saw a half-burned body in a movie; now imagine if that body was right in front of you and you were only a small child. Freakin’ scary isn’t it??

4-I have lots of scars on my body; from accidents, surgeries, former cutting, attempted suicides, and internalizing anger. I have learned to cool down before cleaning or doing dishes because somehow I always manage to cut myself with a knife I didn’t notice or breaking a glass or plate. I have broken many collectables and none of them were intentional.

5-I don’t like fighting but, I can and will fight when provoked. I am very peaceful and will try to talk it out first but, when I feel like I must stand up I do it without a second thought. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like nobody helped them in their time of need.

6-I believe we all come into one another’s lives for a reason. We are all connected and should be learning from one another no matter if it’s a good lesson or a bad lesson. A person who spreads hate and drama in your life is teaching you how to handle that negativity and how to not be that way to someone else. You can learn very important lessons from everyone; just sit back and observe them and you will see the lesson.

7-I was born in Flint, Michigan and from there I have lived in many other places. In Michigan I lived in Flint, Mt. Morris, Fairview and Rose City. I lived in Las Vegas, NV for 7 years on and off… twice for 4 months a piece I lived in Mexico City, Mexico. In Illinois I have lived in Chicago twice for about a year and Stockton for a year and a half. Then we moved to Missouri, St. Charles for about 7 years and St. Louis for 3 years. Of all the places I have lived I consider Las Vegas to be my home. It is true what they say about home is where the heart is, my heart is with my grandparents, mom, brother, my departed sister and the place I met my husband and where my kids were born. I suppose if my family ever moved out of Vegas it might no longer feel like home.

I hope you have enjoyed my 7 about me’s and now I must nominate 21 blogs. Whew this could take me a few minutes.

1- Mari’s Photography Tips

I love her images and she is also very helpful to anyone who aspires to take good pictures. Mari is very enthusiastic about her blog but, also about other’s blogs. It always makes me feel better when I know Mari has commented on my blog.

2- Sulekha’s Memoirs

I have to renominate her. Sulekha is not only a good writer she is a romantic so when you read her posts you can feel the love, joy, sadness and pain that comes from the struggle of the mind not grasping what the heart knows.  Her posts will make you feel not just think.

3- Stuart’s Bornstoryteller

Whether he is writing fictional stories or posts about the education system you have to give Stuart credit for being a great writer. His educational pieces make you think and his stories make you feel like you are watching it happen not just reading it. Don’t be surprised if one of his stories ends up as a movie.

4- Debra’s Pure and Simple

I am new to reading her blog but, what I have read so far has amazed. Debra is a fellow unschooler and one of the first I have gotten to know since I became one. What I would have given to have read her post on unschooling when I started out; better late than never though. She talks about various things on her blog so there is something for everyone.

5- Adriene’s Sweepy Jean Explores The (Webby) World

I have to nominate the woman who opened up a whole other world to me. I was just using my blog to write and didn’t associate with any bloggers at all. Meeting Adriene was a blessing and her posts are thought provoking and her poems flow with wisdom.

6- Wil’s Bloggasaurus

I started reading his blog after he found mine and commented. He was one of my first meaningful comments and I appreciate that very much. I enjoy reading his posts, he talks about various topics and welcomes lengthy feedback, which if you all know me you know I am wordy. Wil also put me as a guest post from a single comment I left on one of his posts. How many times can you say that your comment has provoked a post of it’s own? Check out his blog, it’s a very good read.

7- Tameka’s Lyric Fire

With a name like Lyric Fire you know that her poems will leave a burn on your soul. I have had the pleasure in working with Tameka on one of my blog’s. She opens your mind to experience new things, whether it is soulful poetry, sensual poetry or just a question that deserves a heartfelt answer. Slather on the SPF because you will feel the “burn” when you read her posts.

8- Rimly’s Journey

Every single time I read a poem by her my soul breaks into a million pieces and cries. Rimly’s journey feels like my journey and I long for it to take a new path down a less painful road. When you read her posts you have to ask yourself, how did her heart write all of that and allow her to still remain loving and caring to all she encounters? I don’t know the answer so I keep on reading until I can figure it out.

9- Bonnie’s Bongo Is Me

Anyone who has been through so much in life and still gets up and faces the day I respect whole-heartedly but, to get up and tell the world how much you struggle is miraculous. Reading Bonnie’s posts is very hard for me too many things ring true from my life but, after I have left her blog and the tears and heartache finally subside I realize that things in this life could be way worse.  That if this amazing woman can get up and live with all she encountered than so can I.  Don’t be afraid to feel the pain she portrays in her writing, be afraid if you don’t feel anything.

10- Melissa’s Depth

I am new to reading her blog as well. Melissa is very kind, loving and supports other’s writing with as much heart and soul as she puts into her own. If she doesn’t understand something she asks about it, she is upbeat and looks for the joy in everything.

11- Ravenmyth

Although she nominated me I planned on nominating her beforehand. I guess great minds think alike. 😀 I have just started reading her blog in the last week and I know I have many of her posts to catch up on. Before I can even speak about her writing let me tell you how in one instant I feel as if I found my long-lost family in Raven. I don’t think two writer’s have ever had such an instant connection. One look on her blog and you can see that her talent is deeply rooted to her core. Before you can even read a word you can see that she speaks from a lifetime of experience and is connected to all forms of life. A pure soul writing purely is always a rare find, go check it out.

12- Jeremy’s Skipper

I stumbled upon his blog and have been laughing out loud ever since. His blog is a comic strip and even though I stopped reading comics some time ago I am so glad to have found this one. Jeremy has talent and Skipper should be a Sunday newspaper comic.

The next 3 blogs go hand in hand since it was through each other that I found all of them.

13- Kiesha’s We Blog Better

I found this blog because of a guest post that I truly enjoyed.(See #14)  I have a lot of reading to do on this blog but, I love that they do a lot of guest posts to show off talented writer’s all in one place. I am lucky if I remember where my blog is so this really helps me find great reads without having tons of tabs open.

14- Hajra Kvetches

I found her through her guest post on We Blog Better(see #13)  and I loved it. I haven’t got a chance to read more by her yet but, I am sure they will be brilliant, some people you can just tell after reading one post. Then I went to her blog to read more where I found a guest post that leads me to #15.

15-  Melanie’s Solo Mompreneur

I loved her guest post on Hajra’s blog that I immediately flew over to her blog and read a wonderful post on wearing blog-colored glasses. I think all bloggers and writers feel that way. At least I know I do… oh you don’t know what I am talking about, well click the link and find out.

16-  Pandora’s Peace From Pieces

Another new blog for me to read. I read her Writing To Me Post and fell in love with her poem The House.  Click on the link and follow her if you aren’t and we can enjoy reading her posts together.

17- The Widow Lady

Another brand new blog… to me anyway. I just started reading her blog on early Saturday morning and was mesmerized by what I read. She is definitely worth a follow.

18- Jim’s Holes In My Soles

He brings the wilderness into your home and leaves it there. If you listen carefully you can here the sounds of the wild calling out to you, can you hear it?? It’s saying “Come take a look we won’t hurt you.”

19- JP Brandano: Florida’s Phoographers

Despite the recent name change this blog is a gem. Jim’s images are stunning and need no words but, he explains to you in detail what led up to the moment the image was shot and in a hilarious way at that. He also gives educates the reader on his nature posts which comes in handy for us “cityfolk” who have never seen a Floridian bird.

20- Sancheeta’s Sensitivity

Doesn’t the title of the blog alone make you wonder? Delightful posts to ignite the passions inside all of your sense. A must read for romantics everywhere.

21- Mohinee’s Gurukripa- Indian Culture ‘N’ Philosophy

Romanticism and poetry go hand in hand in her blog. Even though Mohinee’s blog is about India I find her insightful words to be very touching.

 

“So that ends our awards show, I hope you all enjoyed it and tune in next time. ”

Make sure you all grab your award and pass it on to 7 people and post 7 things about yourself.

Thank you to all the people who take time to read and comment my blog you are all appreciated. I realize many of you have these awards so feel free to take the one you want. I am still very new to the blogging community and obviously very  far behind on some really great blogs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From Riches to Rags: A Love Story

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Once upon a time in the far off land known as Las Vegas; lived a Prince, Luis and his future wife Princess Jenni.

Princess Jenni was 19 years old and Prince Luis was 26.

They were madly in love but, their families were from different backgrounds making for a forbidden love. But, just as Romeo loved his fair Juliet; Luis refused to be without his Jenni.

Google Image Excalibur Hotel and Casino Las Vegas, NV

They lived in different castles in the vast kingdom of neon lights, showgirls and Elvis impersonators. But, they were so in love and would sneak off to spend many a night together in a secret inn (apartment) where they could dream of their future together.

The Prince and Princess would drink beer and Tequila, laugh and forget all about their duties as future King and Queen. But, responsibility was lurking and their way of life was soon to be altered for better or worse.

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Then one day, their parents uncovered their secret and banished both of them from the kingdom. Prince Luis and Princess Jenni were no longer royalty; they were now lowly commoners forced to provide for themselves.

This was new to them but, their love would see them through any hardships they were to face. Luis began working in construction to build huts for the peons and Jenni stayed at home and cleaned their hovel. She was inexperienced at this job but, she tried her hardest to build a happy home for them.

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The peon formerly known as Prince Luis, needed clean clothes to wear to work; so Jenni got their clothes together, grabbed a box of soap and a pocketful of pence and down she went into the hovel’s broom closet. There she found two pieces of machinery; “Hark!” she exclaimed “What in great Merlin’s name are these?”

Jenni stared at the peculiar looking machines but, figured she’d give it a try; so she opened the lid to one of them. One good thing about growing up royalty is that Jenni could read and the machine had words written all over it; making it somewhat simpler to know what to do.

Placing the clothes in the machine labeled ‘Washing Machine’ and throwing a scoop of soap in she then turned the dials; one to hot and one to heavy-duty wash. Since there were only the two of them Jenni tossed both of their clothes in the machine together; something she would undoubtedly regret later on.

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When at long last the machine stopped, Jenni pulled the clothes out of the washing machine and placed them in the other. This machine looked similar yet different from the first, the door was not at the top but, Jenni was so excited that she had operated the first machine she knew she could use the second one. Jenni turned the dials once again, one to high heavy and one to timed drying which she set at 60.

Finally the machine was done and when Jenni took the clothes out she was taken aback; Luis’s white jeans had blue and green marks all over them. “Oh no!” she exclaimed. Looking through the clothes she found that her green shorts and her blue shorts had somehow transferred on to the white pants.

Luis came home to find Jenni weeping. She explained to him what had happened, Luis was very understanding. He knew that Jenni didn’t know how to do laundry. Needless to say, this first experience at doing laundry was not a good one but; Jenni did end up with a new pair of pants.

Luis gave Jenni a hug, kissed her forehead and inquired,” What’s for dinner?”

Looking around Jenni replied, “All we have is tortillas and ice.”

“ICE TACOS” Jenni declared and then busted out laughing, Luis began laughing with her.

Now every time there is no food to be found in their house and someone asks what’s for dinner, the answer is always Ice Tacos.

It will take a while before Jenni learns how to do laundry correctly and how to cook but, one day she will make a damn fine hovelmaker.

And they lived commonly ever after.  The End

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We’re Getting An Indoor Pool

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It’s been hot as Satan’s scrotum outside for over a week and even though I have the AC running I am sweaty my ass off…… inside the freaking house. That is just unfreakinnatural if you ask me.

Even after dark it’s still hot enough where the AC is working overtime. I dread my electric bill next month; it took us forever to start catching up on the gas bill from the furnace running all winter.

I am almost half tempted to buy a plastic pool and a sprinkler and set up a water park in the basement. I don’t think my landlord will mind.

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Think of the fun the kids and I could have…. Swimming now, ice skating in winter.

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Oh yea I can’t see a downside to this.

We could wear our clothes and I could throw in bubbles….wooooo haha instant washing of the clothes. Plus the floors would be spotless from the water and soap. I really think this could work.

I could put the pool at the bottom of the stairs and a slip n slide on the stairs….. weeeeeee splash.

Ok maybe…. this isn’t a good idea, with my luck I would break my neck on the way down. I might even make it to the pool and then knock myself out on the cement.

I have fallen down many stairs before and I don’t want to do that again. Broken toes and twisted ankles are not fun. Then there are always scrapes, bruises and potential concussions. I am bummed now…. Looks like I get to experience a bummer summer after all.

By the way kiddies don’t do this in your parent’s basement…..unless you ask them first that is.

Can somebody find me a contractor; I don’t want to lose my security deposit.

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‘Twas The Day of Thanksgiving (The Night Before Christmas Parody)

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Note: This was written and published Nov. 24, 2010. I am editing the title so I’m hoping it doesn’t change the date but, who knows.

T’was the day of Thanksgiving and all through the house
the women were prepping and cursing their spouse.
Outside it was cold with lots of snowflakes
the turkey was chillin all ready to bake.
The hubbie’s all lazy sat fat on their ass
doing nothing but drinking beer from a glass.
They were screaming and whining about the tv
til one vile man started a game of fartsy.
The stench of bean dip now filled up the room
when all of a sudden there was a loud boom.
One idiot had said “hey let’s see if this works”
then they picked up a candle like adolescent jerks.
Big Fred bent over in front of the flame
then his pants caught on fire because of his aim.
The men started squealing like wee little pigs
trying to put out the fire by dancing a jig.
“Stop, drop and roll, you absurd little twit”
all of the men dropped til the fire had quit.
The women all standing looking in awe
started laughing hysterically  at them all.
The men didn’t laugh they just got off the floor
walked back to the couch to check on the score.
The women returned to the kitchen to finish
which prompted their laughter to diminish.
Now people I warn you with candles don’t play
cuz nobody wants to be homeless on Thanksgiving day.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Keyboard Killers

E thug this, E thug that
how G can you be typing in a chat.
Clickity clack your fingers are flying
if you say you’re somebody you must be lying.
Making E threats, shooting blanks
does your army come with little plastic tanks?
The royalty of roasting, you must smoke crack
to think you do damage from a keyboard attack.
Ain’t nobody hurting except maybe your hand
chronic carpal tunnel hope you got an insurance plan.
You can’t win a war from a keyboard
but when it comes to spamming you get the award.
The net is so great it let’s you pretend
but, your life still sucks when your library time comes to an end.