No Pictures Please

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I hate having my picture taken…hate hate HATE it!!! I am always behind the camera, snapping away at everyone I know. But, here I am looking at all these pictures; some in boxes, some in computer files, some in albums and some on Facebook.

Where the Hell are my family portraits? Where are the goofy pictures of me and my siblings as adults? Why do I not have one single picture of my grandmother and me? In fact where is the mother/daughter pictures of my mom and me or my daughter and me? Where is the picture of me standing on a chair so my son and I can be the same height? Where are the happy couple pictures of my husband and I???

 

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I’m scared to be photographed! I’m Native American Indian…pictures will steal my soul, I will never be able to reincarnate, the light bulb demon that lives in the flash will break free and take over the planet… I cannot be responsible for that.

 

 

Ok, that’s not the real reason but, it might as well be because my reasoning is as silly as that is. My ridiculous ass never thought to take pictures of my sister when I was in Vegas in 2007 and now all I have of her is childhood photos, her second wedding pictures that she gave me years ago and pictures of her with other people who are not me!! *Sigh*

Me 1993

Every time I see a camera, I scream like I’m 2 and hide…When the Hell did I start doing that? I was never frightened to put on a stupid face and be right smack dab in the middle of the picture. I was always doing something retarded looking with a huge smile on my face. When did I become the scary old hunchbacked recluse in the haunted house on the corner???

Oh, yes I remember… I got married, got fat and lost my smile. Yep, all excellent reasons to stay far away from a camera that will only amplify the horror of not being a happy person. It takes me 20 pictures before I find one that is worthy of Facebook let alone to be cherished forever by my family.

My husband has always been a busy man, so he is in very few pictures; yet he always has a huge smile and goofy face when there is a camera thrust upon him. Which just confirms that men are big kids and don’t stress half as much as we women do. But, I digress because this isn’t a slam men post it’s a Jenni, you dumbass post!!! *Facepalm*

The last family picture we had taken was when our daughter was born, she’s 15 now. My son and daughter have a picture together he was sleeping; a few years ago I took them to a place and got a free picture of the two of them. A few years ago, HA more like over 5 years ago. When they were in public school I always paid for picture packages. I take loads of pictures of my kids, those memories are priceless.

But, what if I died… what if I was in a coma… what if… My kids won’t have photos of their mom; just because I was too terrified to have any permanent reminder that showed my internal sadness or anger. There are no goofy smiles or a sparkle in my eye pictures for my kids to cherish.

 

 

Jess & I circa 92-93

Just like I have no pictures of my sister and me since we were teens in High School. How depressing is that?

 

 

I don’t even own a camera; with cellphones coming equipped with them, I figured why spend money on something I don’t need… just shoot me now!!!

I am going to buy my first digital camera in the next week or two and I will give it to my daughter. She wants to try photography anyway. Looks like I am going to have to suffer and just let unflattering pictures of me be flaunted. I am already shaking at the thought but, I can’t allow my family to feel the guilt I do, when an unexpected death happens and you look at photo albums then realize all the memories in your aging brain never got saved.

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Birthday Reflection

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When I sat down and wrote the poem ‘Nobody’s Birthday’ all I could think was how my birthday has sucked since 1997 when my husband decided it would be a “great” idea for us to wed that day.

 

In an emotional fit of jealousy and anger he had finally realized that calling me his wife for 3 years before we were actually married was not the brightest idea… only because I was getting more and more aggravated with it. I figured if I was to be strapped with the title of wife I should at least have the document proving it.

Albert Wenzell- The Marriage Proposal

You see when my husband and I were merely boyfriend and girlfriend he fell in love and proposed, I obviously wasn’t against it because I said yes and of course I loved him too.

 

The date he chose for us to get married was February 14th, 1996, a year and 5 months after we had begun dating. In February of 1995, we found out we were expecting and I guess that might have been the moment when things started falling apart…it was in my screwed up head anyway.

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You see I had this idea of how a relationship and love should be; funny because I didn’t exactly grow up around any stable loving relationships in my life, so where I got that idea from I will never know… maybe it was The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show.

For years I have held it against him that we never got married on the day we were suppose to and as the world will tell you… Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned and I was scorned. It always made me madmade me furious that he chose not to marry me on that date simply because of a few words my callous father had said about him… “He’s only marrying you to get his papers.” Which was a fabrication that he had created in his own mind, for my husband already had papers 7 years before even knowing me. So not only was that comment a lie and unnecessary it was clearly meant to hurt me and my relationship.

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But, every month that passed that I was not married I was told the most horrendous things by people who claimed to love me because I was an unwed mother.

 

You just have to love family whose ideas and warped sense of love taints perfectly loving relationships. I loved him and he loved me, we were faithful and raising our daughter together as a married couple…what more could a piece of paper give us?!

Those depraved mental games eventually infected my brain, as I began to wonder why we were still not married 3 years after our relationship began. So in a last dire attempt to rescue what was left of our relationship he married me, on my birthday. He was drunk out of his mind and couldn’t repeat the vows; I was angry in every one of our wedding pictures and was trying to hold back impending tears. It was the beginning of me dreading my birthday.

Year after year passed and more than not I would end the day upset and in tears because it seemed like nobody cared that it was my “special” day. No gifts, no cards, occasionally a cake and a happy birthday. The kids would do their best to make up for my sadness by showering me with several homemade cards and as much as I loved them it just never felt like enough. Call me selfish but, I wanted to be appreciated and pampered just for that one day.

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There came a point when not only was it my birthday that went uncelebrated but, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Christmas too. Now instead of hating just my birthday I began hating the entire year; day after day, month after month, year after year. My husband would always say, “It’s just another day.” God, how I hated hearing that!!!

Then this year as my birthday approached; I became melancholy just like I do every year, knowing it wouldn’t be any different. We were still struggling with extra money and as usual I would get the short end of the stick; that’s where my poem came in to play.

Instead something happened…something magical and unexpected. It occurred to me that this year was different from all the other years because I WAS DIFFERENT. I had accomplished many things this year that I didn’t even know I wanted to carry out until they happened. Clearly my mind was holding a secret that my heart hadn’t uncovered until a few days before my birthday. Nobody’s Birthdayis a sad, depressing poem but, it unlocked my ability to see what truly mattered this year…my life; every single day of it not just the one day that comes and goes.

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I am a mom, a writer and a friend and every day of my life I show exceptional love, kindness and understanding towards my friends, family and fellow writers. Some may not have seen that and that’s ok because frankly they hadn’t seen anything I have said or accomplished in quite some time now. I have made leaps and bounds in my personal life as well as my professional life in 5 short months; my hard work was finally paying off and that my dear readers is something I never expected to see this year.

Needless to say, I had a great birthday because instead of expecting others to celebrate me… I celebrated me, something I have never done in my entire 36 years of life. I am proud of myself.

Isn’t it wonderful when you finally appreciate yourself for who you are and what you’ve accomplished? Did you find out something about yourself this year? Are you proud of who you’ve become?

Nobody’s Birthday

Nobody had a birthday
and she hoped it would be cool
even though every year she’d
turn out looking like a fool.

Nobody threw a party
and invited all her friends
hoping that this year someone
essentially attends.

Nobody sat and waited
for a birthday card or two
the mailman must have lost them
only bills were getting through.

Nobody grabbed some plates
and a knife to cut her cake
but, when she looked around her
there was nothing to partake.

Nobody took a picture
of all the gifts she got
but, when she viewed the photo
there was nothing in the shot.

Nobody listened kindly
for a birthday song sung proud
she must have lost her hearing
for she heard no words out loud.

Nobody sat reflecting
wiping the teardrops all away
how dare she think she’s special
just because it’s her birthday.

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And The Award For Most Awards In A Week Goes To…

Do you ever feel like your life resembles an awards show? Every time I write something I feel like I am waiting to be nominated for an Emmy or Grammy or something to that effect. It’s not like I need the awards to make me feel special but, I do feel special when I receive one. Last week was no exception when I received 3 awards from fellow bloggers/ friends.

I step up to claim my honor with speech in hand, look out to the crowd and realize that what I thought was my speech was nothing more than a receipt from the bar I was at last night getting wasted in celebration. “Umm…” I start out, “It looks as if I misplaced my speech, and so I guess I have to do this the old-fashioned way.” The crowd laughs.

“First off I would like to thank all the people who believed in me when I didn’t. I’d also like to thank the people who nominated me for these wonderful awards… (You can find these and more on my accomplishments page.)

 

Roy’s Garage Sell and Auction Well

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                   

 

 

Sulekha’s Memoirs

 

Ravenmyth

You have all blessed me with such honor and I appreciate this in more ways than you know.”

“I would like to say a few things about myself before I toss the awards to the new nominees-in-waiting.”

1-I have premonitions. I can remember as early as 4 years old having them. They come to me while I am dreaming. I don’t normally remember my dreams but, these always stick. I have seen many things while growing up and this although I am thankful for having such abilities I am also sad that I can’t do anything about what I see. My last premonition was about my sister being sick, a few months later she was indeed sick and passed away.

2-I have seen ghosts/spirits since I was very young. My first memory was in my grandmother’s house where two brothers had died when they were about 18 years old. I woke up in the middle of the night to see them standing at the end of my bed, one said to the other “She’s awake.” I freaked out; I saw and heard them clear as day. I banged on the wall behind me where my grandma’s room was, never taking my eyes off them. My grandma turned on the light and they were gone. She told me to say “God is my light” when I saw things that scared me, to this day if I have a nightmare I think those words to help me move on to something happier.

3-There is always at least one light on in my house at all times. My daughter sees spirits as well and quite a few have frightened her to the point she would scream bloody murder several times at night. I finally had to leave lights on so she couldn’t see them all the time. Mostly their appearances scared her because she saw what they looked like when they died. It was hard for her because she didn’t watch horror movies, imagine how you felt the first time you saw a half-burned body in a movie; now imagine if that body was right in front of you and you were only a small child. Freakin’ scary isn’t it??

4-I have lots of scars on my body; from accidents, surgeries, former cutting, attempted suicides, and internalizing anger. I have learned to cool down before cleaning or doing dishes because somehow I always manage to cut myself with a knife I didn’t notice or breaking a glass or plate. I have broken many collectables and none of them were intentional.

5-I don’t like fighting but, I can and will fight when provoked. I am very peaceful and will try to talk it out first but, when I feel like I must stand up I do it without a second thought. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like nobody helped them in their time of need.

6-I believe we all come into one another’s lives for a reason. We are all connected and should be learning from one another no matter if it’s a good lesson or a bad lesson. A person who spreads hate and drama in your life is teaching you how to handle that negativity and how to not be that way to someone else. You can learn very important lessons from everyone; just sit back and observe them and you will see the lesson.

7-I was born in Flint, Michigan and from there I have lived in many other places. In Michigan I lived in Flint, Mt. Morris, Fairview and Rose City. I lived in Las Vegas, NV for 7 years on and off… twice for 4 months a piece I lived in Mexico City, Mexico. In Illinois I have lived in Chicago twice for about a year and Stockton for a year and a half. Then we moved to Missouri, St. Charles for about 7 years and St. Louis for 3 years. Of all the places I have lived I consider Las Vegas to be my home. It is true what they say about home is where the heart is, my heart is with my grandparents, mom, brother, my departed sister and the place I met my husband and where my kids were born. I suppose if my family ever moved out of Vegas it might no longer feel like home.

I hope you have enjoyed my 7 about me’s and now I must nominate 21 blogs. Whew this could take me a few minutes.

1- Mari’s Photography Tips

I love her images and she is also very helpful to anyone who aspires to take good pictures. Mari is very enthusiastic about her blog but, also about other’s blogs. It always makes me feel better when I know Mari has commented on my blog.

2- Sulekha’s Memoirs

I have to renominate her. Sulekha is not only a good writer she is a romantic so when you read her posts you can feel the love, joy, sadness and pain that comes from the struggle of the mind not grasping what the heart knows.  Her posts will make you feel not just think.

3- Stuart’s Bornstoryteller

Whether he is writing fictional stories or posts about the education system you have to give Stuart credit for being a great writer. His educational pieces make you think and his stories make you feel like you are watching it happen not just reading it. Don’t be surprised if one of his stories ends up as a movie.

4- Debra’s Pure and Simple

I am new to reading her blog but, what I have read so far has amazed. Debra is a fellow unschooler and one of the first I have gotten to know since I became one. What I would have given to have read her post on unschooling when I started out; better late than never though. She talks about various things on her blog so there is something for everyone.

5- Adriene’s Sweepy Jean Explores The (Webby) World

I have to nominate the woman who opened up a whole other world to me. I was just using my blog to write and didn’t associate with any bloggers at all. Meeting Adriene was a blessing and her posts are thought provoking and her poems flow with wisdom.

6- Wil’s Bloggasaurus

I started reading his blog after he found mine and commented. He was one of my first meaningful comments and I appreciate that very much. I enjoy reading his posts, he talks about various topics and welcomes lengthy feedback, which if you all know me you know I am wordy. Wil also put me as a guest post from a single comment I left on one of his posts. How many times can you say that your comment has provoked a post of it’s own? Check out his blog, it’s a very good read.

7- Tameka’s Lyric Fire

With a name like Lyric Fire you know that her poems will leave a burn on your soul. I have had the pleasure in working with Tameka on one of my blog’s. She opens your mind to experience new things, whether it is soulful poetry, sensual poetry or just a question that deserves a heartfelt answer. Slather on the SPF because you will feel the “burn” when you read her posts.

8- Rimly’s Journey

Every single time I read a poem by her my soul breaks into a million pieces and cries. Rimly’s journey feels like my journey and I long for it to take a new path down a less painful road. When you read her posts you have to ask yourself, how did her heart write all of that and allow her to still remain loving and caring to all she encounters? I don’t know the answer so I keep on reading until I can figure it out.

9- Bonnie’s Bongo Is Me

Anyone who has been through so much in life and still gets up and faces the day I respect whole-heartedly but, to get up and tell the world how much you struggle is miraculous. Reading Bonnie’s posts is very hard for me too many things ring true from my life but, after I have left her blog and the tears and heartache finally subside I realize that things in this life could be way worse.  That if this amazing woman can get up and live with all she encountered than so can I.  Don’t be afraid to feel the pain she portrays in her writing, be afraid if you don’t feel anything.

10- Melissa’s Depth

I am new to reading her blog as well. Melissa is very kind, loving and supports other’s writing with as much heart and soul as she puts into her own. If she doesn’t understand something she asks about it, she is upbeat and looks for the joy in everything.

11- Ravenmyth

Although she nominated me I planned on nominating her beforehand. I guess great minds think alike. 😀 I have just started reading her blog in the last week and I know I have many of her posts to catch up on. Before I can even speak about her writing let me tell you how in one instant I feel as if I found my long-lost family in Raven. I don’t think two writer’s have ever had such an instant connection. One look on her blog and you can see that her talent is deeply rooted to her core. Before you can even read a word you can see that she speaks from a lifetime of experience and is connected to all forms of life. A pure soul writing purely is always a rare find, go check it out.

12- Jeremy’s Skipper

I stumbled upon his blog and have been laughing out loud ever since. His blog is a comic strip and even though I stopped reading comics some time ago I am so glad to have found this one. Jeremy has talent and Skipper should be a Sunday newspaper comic.

The next 3 blogs go hand in hand since it was through each other that I found all of them.

13- Kiesha’s We Blog Better

I found this blog because of a guest post that I truly enjoyed.(See #14)  I have a lot of reading to do on this blog but, I love that they do a lot of guest posts to show off talented writer’s all in one place. I am lucky if I remember where my blog is so this really helps me find great reads without having tons of tabs open.

14- Hajra Kvetches

I found her through her guest post on We Blog Better(see #13)  and I loved it. I haven’t got a chance to read more by her yet but, I am sure they will be brilliant, some people you can just tell after reading one post. Then I went to her blog to read more where I found a guest post that leads me to #15.

15-  Melanie’s Solo Mompreneur

I loved her guest post on Hajra’s blog that I immediately flew over to her blog and read a wonderful post on wearing blog-colored glasses. I think all bloggers and writers feel that way. At least I know I do… oh you don’t know what I am talking about, well click the link and find out.

16-  Pandora’s Peace From Pieces

Another new blog for me to read. I read her Writing To Me Post and fell in love with her poem The House.  Click on the link and follow her if you aren’t and we can enjoy reading her posts together.

17- The Widow Lady

Another brand new blog… to me anyway. I just started reading her blog on early Saturday morning and was mesmerized by what I read. She is definitely worth a follow.

18- Jim’s Holes In My Soles

He brings the wilderness into your home and leaves it there. If you listen carefully you can here the sounds of the wild calling out to you, can you hear it?? It’s saying “Come take a look we won’t hurt you.”

19- JP Brandano: Florida’s Phoographers

Despite the recent name change this blog is a gem. Jim’s images are stunning and need no words but, he explains to you in detail what led up to the moment the image was shot and in a hilarious way at that. He also gives educates the reader on his nature posts which comes in handy for us “cityfolk” who have never seen a Floridian bird.

20- Sancheeta’s Sensitivity

Doesn’t the title of the blog alone make you wonder? Delightful posts to ignite the passions inside all of your sense. A must read for romantics everywhere.

21- Mohinee’s Gurukripa- Indian Culture ‘N’ Philosophy

Romanticism and poetry go hand in hand in her blog. Even though Mohinee’s blog is about India I find her insightful words to be very touching.

 

“So that ends our awards show, I hope you all enjoyed it and tune in next time. ”

Make sure you all grab your award and pass it on to 7 people and post 7 things about yourself.

Thank you to all the people who take time to read and comment my blog you are all appreciated. I realize many of you have these awards so feel free to take the one you want. I am still very new to the blogging community and obviously very  far behind on some really great blogs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jessica’s Sonnet

At long last… I finished my Sonnet homework last week and can now share it with you all. Hope you enjoy it, it took me 3 hours but, I am content with the outcome.

 

I must not grieve thee nor shed a lone tear
I must proceed as if I do not care
For weeping makes losing you worse my dear
Agonizing memories I cannot bear
Every dewy teardrop that escapes me
Burns my flesh like the fiery depths of hell
I must not succumb to sorrow of thee
For I shall be reminded of our farewell
But, weeping cleanses the grief-stricken soul
Easing each previous moment of pain
Allowing the broken to become whole
Sanctioning lovely memories again
Dire sorrow causes me not to cry
But, sans tears for your loss I’d surely die

Evelyn De Morgan- Angel of Death

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The Break-up Letter

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Dear B.,

Thinking back to when we first began, I never would have imagined that I would want to leave you.
But, the last month has been HELL. You had given me so much then suddenly you ripped it all away from me.

I hated you for that!!!

It was fall of last year when we met; an exotic and stunning creature you were. You weren’t my first online relationship but, you were my most intense. I was only looking for fun; never would I have dreamed that love was possible online but, then came you. Continue reading

Loca

My heart has stopped beating
my happiness is fleeting.
I need you in my life right now
I hang my head I begin to bow.
You are not here but yet you are,
so close yet so far.
My tears run down my face all day
I can see you run I see you play.
Your scent is all around me
you are more then a memory.
Feels like someone has cut my heart out of my chest
I try and sleep my mind never at rest.
I watched you slowly die
my eyes stung I began to cry.
I held your body against my chest
I wondered if I gave my best.
I thought that it was time to let you go in peace
only God could make your suffering cease.
I held your head to me so close
while the needle injected its lethal dose.
In that moment I felt you leave
my body consumed by unbearable grief.
Your body lie there your soul has flown
the room is full yet I am all alone.
Life goes on or so they say
but most of me is with you and gone away.
Life is not about what you do
it is about those you love and whom love you.
I know this pain I feel today
will never end just slowly fade.
My body shakes my tears they flow
I know you are with me everywhere that I go.
I’m sorry my friend for it ending like this
but know it is you that I will forever miss.